All I Want For Christmas Is…

I’ve noticed a lot of people are making their wish lists for Christmas; for the adults as well as the children.  I figured I made a list last year; so why not again this year.  This year’s list is a little shorter.

My 2010 Christmas Wish List

1.   A Wok – I cook a lot of Asian dishes and it is hard to do with out a wok.  I had one but it got old.

2. Crock Pot – I had a crock pot in Texas and it got left there by mistake.  I miss having a crock pot.

3. Tassimo Coffee Maker – I am a coffee drinker and would love to have a Tassimo.

4. Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock – By far my favorite video game series is the Guitar Hero series.

5. HTC EVO Phone – I currently have a Blackberry which I love but the EVO is just so cool.

6. An iPod Nano with Multi-Touch or an iPod Touch – I would like a new iPod and these are the two that I like.

7. A manicure/pedicure – because what woman doesn’t like to be pampered?

8. A Kohl’s gift card – to get sweaters and jewelry.

9. Bath & Body work scents – I love Bath & Body work scents and the following are my favorites:
Brown Sugar & Fig
White Tea & Ginger
Mango Mandarin
Juicy Nectarine
Creamy Coconut
Pearberry
Lavender

10. A Massage Envy membership – I had a membership when we lived in Texas and it lapsed.

 

I also have a non-material list, that is a little shorter and maybe a little harder to fill.

My 2010 Non-Material Christmas Wish List

1.  To visit my family in Florida

2.  To visit my family in Texas

3.  For my kids to always be happy and know they are loved

4.  A cure for cancer

5.  World Peace

 

Twelve Steps – Step Two

Step 2Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

As I mentioned before, with the help of my therapist (and through her suggestion) I am working through the 12 Step Program that is used by AA. Although a lot of people associate this with alcoholism or addiction, I am finding it is a very helpful and powerful tool in the recovery and understanding of depression. At this point I have worked through and completed Step 2 of my 12 Step program.

I would like to believe that this step has been achieved a few times during my depression. Although the 12 Step program wants you to take the spiritual and religious path on this; that part of it has taken me longer to accept and believe. I am a spiritual person, I do believe in God; however it has been hard for me to just hand myself (or any part of me) over to him to “fix”. Have I put faith in him? Yes, I have. I believe that God has a path for me, but I also believe that God wants me to figure it all out for myself before he shows me the light or the path that I must take. I need to believe in myself first. I need to believe that I am that power and that I am better than the person I have been.

The first time a “power greater than myself” restored me to sanity was the first time I was hospitalized for my depression. I did not want to admit that I needed help for my depression, let alone that I was even depressed. The first hospitalization happened in Houston in 2009, and was for eleven days. The longest eleven days of my life. If you think being in a medical hospital is bad, being in a rehab/mental hospital is horrible. However, at that point in my life; I needed that horrible. I needed something large enough to wake me up and slap me in the face. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough, or I did not allow it to be enough.

Quite a few times that power has been another person. My husband or a friend grabbing a hold of my shoulders and saying, “HEY SNAP OUT OF IT”, or reasoning to with me to a point of understanding or at least compromise. A few times that power has simply been looking at my children and saying to myself, “you are better than this and they need you”.

When I was hospitalized the first time in California, I was embarrassed. I felt as though I had failed myself, my family and my friends. I thought, “I have already been here and I promised I never would again”. But I allowed myself to be there. And as much as I believed that the hospitalization in Texas had shaken me to a point of belief, of “a power greater than me”; it hadn’t and neither did being hospitalized this time. I again promised I would stay on track, not let this happen. I did not, and that was all on me; that “power” was all my doing.

Then something bigger happened. I allowed myself to fall into a hole again, back into a dark place; and didn’t really tell anyone or do anything about it. I was lying to myself as well as people around me. People who cared. I let feelings and thoughts fester and grow. I let those feelings and thoughts consume me. And although that is no excuse for what happened or my actions; I hurt people…people who care…people I love…people who love me. And I don’t know how to say I am sorry for that in a way that will ever make it better, will ever “fix” it. Again, that was all on me; that “power” was all my doing again. Every action, word said, thought thought, feeling felt was my own, my own responsibility; and I have accepted them. I made the decision to put myself in the hospital yet again, I made a more valiant effort in the groups, spoke with the counselors and doctors; held nothing back. Previously I had looked for help but never reached out for it. Now I am, I am reaching out in every direction I can. Groups, therapy, medications, doctor’s appointments.

I think I have realized; with the help of therapy, that this time that “power greater than myself” was actually myself. The only person who can do anything for me, is me. I have to make the effort; and before I was not. I wanted to believe I was, but I know now that I wasn’t. Does that excuse any hurt I have caused, any relationships broken, any harsh words spoken…no it does not. Illness or not, depression or not; those things where and are my fault. I just hope someday I can find a way to repair those things.

Moving on to Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) is going to be slightly harder for me. Although I am a spiritual and religious person, it is really hard for me to just hand myself over to my beliefs. I think the first step in achieving Step 3 is going to be to return myself to church. So for now, that is where I am.

What Christmas Is…

Christmas is supposed to be a time you spend with friends and family.  It is hard to spend Christmas alone.  Even if your family drives you crazy; being with them is better than being without them on the holidays.

I have listened to a lot of people complain about having to be around their families or having to cook for their families or travel to see family.  I would give anything to have family with me on Christmas day.  See being here in California, holidays are spent just the five of us.  And believe me, I am every bit thankful for that.  But I cannot deny that I would love to have family or even friends around; lots of people, like the holidays are supposed to be.  Like the holidays always have been.

Last year was slightly different than this year.  We arrived in California the day before Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving was spent eating Korean BBQ, as it was one of the only places open.  This year; I cooked my first ever full Thanksgiving dinner; turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, spinach, cranberry sauce and bread; and I did a pretty good job at it.  Although we ate turkey leftovers for quite a few days it felt more like Thanksgiving Day than just another day.

I didn’t decorate much last year for Christmas; we have a little tree and no outdoor decorations, as I had sold a lot of them prior to moving from Houston to Los Angeles.  The “less is more thing”.  This year, we have more decorations; the small tree is still up, and the nativity is set up across the mantle of the fire place.  The gate and fence are decorated with bows and candy canes, with a festive banner saying Merry Christmas hangs across the porch.  Paper cut outs of Santa, snowmen and reindeer décor the windows of the house along with fake snow.  No lights, even though I would love to have icicle lights to hang across the front of the house; maybe next year.

Cards and boxes are arriving from family in Texas and Florida, filled with gifts from grandparents, aunts and uncles.  Every television station is running Christmas specials and episodes.  It’s nice to watch the classics like A Charlie Brown Christmas, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, A Christmas Carol, and A Christmas Story (“You’ll shoot your eye out!”) with my kids just like I did with my parents when I was their ages.

If we were in Florida we would be spending Christmas Eve, probably at my grandmother’s; opening stocking stuffers, eating meatball subs or chili and playing games till the wee hours of the night.   Christmas Eve in Texas would be spent at one of my sister-in-laws, exchanging gifts between family and having a nice dinner.  And as with both family, Christmas morning would be at our own homes with our kids opening their gifts then off to whoever’s turn it was to host dinner that year.

Christmas Eve last year Sammi and I spent with Melissa and her family watching movies (Christmas Vacation) and making tamales.  Being away from everyone in family for the first time in years at Christmas, being in a family atmosphere like that was exactly what I needed to help keep the holiday blues away.  I can never explain to her, or thank her, for how much that meant to me.

This year we are watching Christmas movies and listening to Christmas music to get (and stay) in the holiday mood.  The time has come to start work on Christmas cards to send from our family, and perhaps the few gifts that will go out; as well as decorating the stockings, adorned with our names, to hang on the fire place.  Shopping for each other is always fun, I love buying for my kids and seeing them excited on Christmas morning.

Helping to write the Christmas lists and letters to Santa has been a joy.  Listening to and reading the items they are requesting has been blissful.  It is heart-warming to read things like, “For my family to be happy”; and laughable to read things like, “Chocolate milk” on the lists.  Sammi and Alex want almost everything they see and have lists that span 3 plus pages.  Then there is Robert, who at 13 knows exactly what he wants and his list is short and precise.

And I wish with all my heart that I had the means and resources to give them everything their little hearts desired.  But, unfortunately I cannot.  We are fortunate for what we do have; as I know there are plenty out there with a lot less.

I am hoping this year though I can express to them again that isn’t about how much you get or even how much you give; but about being together.  That the holidays aren’t all about the gifts, but that they are about something more…family, merriment…cheer…and most of all the spiritual meaning behind why we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Christ.