30 Days of Truth – Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Something I have to forgive myself for is for hurting the people I love either with my actions or my words.   I have to own these actions and words as they are mine; even if some of them happened during episodes of my depression when I wasn’t medicated properly or when I was on an “episode” as they have been called.

Unfortunately, I have been quite ugly and mean when I have said and done some things, and it wasn’t always intentional; and unfortunately, sometimes it was.  There were times that I convinced myself of things that were not true but for whatever reason, I believed that they were even if the proof of them not being true was in front of my face.  There were also times that I was just so low on myself that nothing seemed right or perfect and it felt like it was easier to just give up.  I know now that is a coward’s way out.

But I have figured out that until I can fully accept these misfortunes that I have brought upon myself; and make amends with the people I have made them upon, I will never be able to forgive myself.  And believe me it is hard to accept these things because I know that I hurt people I love and care about.  That was something I never meant or wanted to do.

30 Days of Truth – Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Something I love about myself was kind of hard to come up with.  There are things that I like about myself but don’t know if I would say I love them.  I mean I like my legs, I like my feet, I like my personality (well most of the time).

So I had to search for something that I love about myself.  I thought about asking someone else close to me, like my husband or my kids, but then that would be what someone else loved about me.  But I asked anyways, because I like hearing good things about myself (I swear I’m not narcissist).  My favorite was my 8 year saying, “I love everything about yourself, mommy” and then hugging me.

So something I love about myself would have to be my cooking.  I will brag about my cooking.  I am a good cook.  I wasn’t when I first met my husband, I was a horrible cook and thought that making hamburger helper or Stouffer’s lasagna was “making dinner”.  My husband being the genius he is started buying me cook books and I can’t thank him enough for that.  I started cooking as much as I could; trying new recipes and new themes every chance I got.  I still like to experiment with recipes and try new things.  For example, meals for this week are:

Monday Night – Spaghetti – Salad – Cheesy Garlic Bread

Tuesday Night – Roasted Red Pepper, Corn & Crab Chowder – Crescent Rolls

Wednesday Night – General Tso’s Chicken – Fried Rice

Thursday Night – Herb Crusted Roast with Red Wine Sauce – Pan Seared Asparagus with garlic – Crescent Rolls

Friday Night – Stuffed Poblano Peppers

Saturday Breakfast – Pancetta/Asparagus Fritta

Saturday lunch – Frozen Pizza – Salad

Saturday Dinner – Irish Blue Cheese soup – Crescent Rolls

Sunday Breakfast – Cinnamon rolls

Sunday Lunch – Spring rolls

Sunday Dinner – Chicken and Asparagus Soup

30 Days of Truth – Day 1

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Everyone seems to have something about themselves that they hate; their butt, thighs, legs, eyes, etc. I often wonder if this “hate” for a physical part of a person’s body is a real hate of something of their selves.  I could pick a list of things about myself that I “hate”; I hate that I am fat, I hate that I have brown eyes, I hate my teeth, I hate my neck, I hate my nose, I hate ears, I hate the broadness of my shoulders.  But these hates are real in the sense of hate.

According to dictionary.com; the definition of hate is to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; to detest.  Of the list above, I don’t know if I would say that I have an intense or passionate dislike, extreme aversion or hostility towards or for any of the things I listed.  Sure, I dislike those things about me but when put in that light of the word hate, I’d have to say I don’t “hate” those things about me.

If I had to put my finger on one thing I hate about myself it would be my openness.  I am very open and trustworthy of people.  I hate that I am this way.  It often leads to getting hurt, and in a bad way.  It also sometimes leads to people telling me that I “air my laundry” or “tell my business”.  It is not my intention.  I just often feel overly comfortable around people (I guess the wrong people).

I really wish I could change this about myself; I’d like to say I know how but it seems as soon as I feel comfortable, I open up more than I should.  However, I have also found that when I “close up” or keep to myself; it is automatically assumed that something is wrong, or why I am acting strange.  My openness is a big part of who I am, I have been told by people who are my elders that it is a good thing to be open; yet it seems to be THE thing that most people (including myself) despises about me the most.

A Picture of Courage

A picture of courage dons my profile picture for facebook.  I have gotten a lot of messages questioning why my profile picture was changed to this, as well as the profile picture of a few of my facebook friends (who also happen to be family members).

So I thought I would explain the change of the profile picture for those of you who have asked, or even if you haven’t and are wondering the reason behind the change.

It is all about a little boy.  His name is Jaxson Courage LaRue.  Jaxson is my great nephew, he is Richard’s nephew’s son.  This is Jaxson:

Jaxson is fighting a battle, he has been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, where nerve cells become cancerous. He has a baseball sized tumor in his left abdominal cavity.  Jaxson just turned one year old.

So my facebook profile picture of courage is for Jaxson; and every prayer I say has him in it.  And ask all of you, to please include Jaxson in your prayers as well.

You know it is said that God never gives us anything we can’t handle; but I look at what he gives me, my friends, my family to handle and wonder sometimes, “What made you think I/we/you could handle this?”.  I wish I had that answer but I do not, and maybe someday the reason behind it will be shown to us, but for now it just doesn’t seem fair for someone so little to have to go through this.

There is some good news in this; the cancer doesn’t appear to have spread, nor is it in his bones or bone marrow.  His dad has been good about posting up dates and all the information on facebook for the family to know the latest updates.

If you would like to know more about neroblastoma, you can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroblastoma.

 

Planning For Dinner

Some time ago on my blog I had a page where I posted my dinners for the week.  I would plan out a whole week, sometimes two weeks worth of meals.  I could plan my grocery shopping and other tasks around what I was going to cook.  Made life easy, for me at least.

You see I am not much of a planner.  I fly by the seat of my pants on a lot of things.  Sometimes not having a plan makes things more fun and spontaneous; sometimes it makes it more stressful.  Which isn’t always helpful for me with my anxiety…because frankly I trip out.

I have found though when I do plan out dinners, shop with a list accordingly for those dinners and know how long I need to prepare/cook the meal planned; my days are less stressful.

Now that I have a crock pot again, making dinners has been extremely easy.  If I know I am going to have a busy day; I can pop the meal into the pot and know it will be ready when dinner time rolls around.  I didn’t realize how much I used my crock pot till I left it in Texas when I moved to California.  My loving husband got me another crock pot for Christmas; and it was one of the best gifts ever….that and the Tassimo Coffee maker we got.  In fact, most of the crock pot recipes are so easy; my eight year old and thirteen year old can help me with them.

I love to cook however, so I don’t mind spending hours in the kitchen when I have the time.  And sometimes, I do…and let’s face it, sometimes I don’t.  I love to try new recipes, and had a lot of fun when I did “themed” weeks with dinners.  It was fun cooking recipes that included Mexican, Chinese, Thai and French.

Another thing I enjoy about cooking is all of us sitting down at the dinner table to eat together.  I have heard so many people say they don’t eat with their husbands or kids.  Or that everyone eats at different times, in different places, different rooms.  Now perhaps this will change as my kids are getting older and each one of them gets involved in different activities or aspects of their own lives but for now I relish sitting at the table with my husband and three kids to enjoy a meal that I cooked.

And not to brag….okay, yes, I am bragging….I am a pretty good cook.

When I plan meals and have a set idea for what I am making; it helps our grocery bills to be lower as I know exactly what I need to get and am better able to stick to my list.  We also eat out less when I cook because we have no reason to go out to eat…and frankly there are times that a home cook meals sounds (and tastes) better to me than going out to eat.  On top of that, with five of us…going out to eat costs any where from $80 to $100 a pop.

Meals Planned for the week of January 9 – January 14:

Sunday 1-9 – Bacon Florentine Stuffed Chicken Breast with Basil Pesto Farfalle Pasta noodles

Monday 1-10 – Mu Shu Chicken & rice with cabbage (Crock pot recipe)

Tuesday 1-11 – Roasted Chicken, Scampi Noodles & Sauteed Spinach

Wednesday 1-12 – Baked Potato Soup (Crock pot recipe)

Thursday 1-13 – French Dip Sandwiches (Crock pot recipe)

Now Sammi and I left for Florida on Thursday (1-13) and will be gone a week so I am going to assume (and we know what that does) that my hubby will probably take himself and the boys out over the weekend because it will be easier for him/them than cooking.  So with that said….

Friday 1-14 – Eat Out

Saturday 1-15 – Eat Out

Sunday 1-16 – Eat Out

I will be back from Florida on Wednesday and I have planned meals for the Monday and Tuesday in the crock pot because it will be easy for either my husband or Robert to throw into the crock pot before they leave for work and school in the morning and then it will be ready for them when they are home that night.  The crock pot I have has a timer on it so you can set it to cook on high or low for X amount of time, and then it goes to a warming stage.

Monday 1-17 – Wonton Soup (Crock pot recipe)

Tuesday 1-18 – General Tso’s Chicken (Crock pot recipe)

I should be back in time Wednesday (1-19) to cook dinner (I say “should” because of the possibility of snow in the town I connect through), and then Thursday (1-20) and Friday (1-21) will be a hodge podge of what ever is left in the house that needs to be used up before grocery shopping again.

And for being a non-planner, I guess I should mention I have meals plan for the week after I get back (1-23 through 1-29) and a grocery list filled out.  It just makes things sooooo much easier….does this mean I will be more of a planner for other aspects of my life; probably not, but at least I have one thing covered.

Wordless Wednesday – Pieces Of My Life – Part 2

30 Days of Turth

I know a lot of bloggers have already done the 30 Days Of Truth project, and I am a little late to jump on the wagon, however I am going to start on Monday, January 24th.  Some of the topics scared me and I think that is why I avoided this project.

I take longer to process things then I should, or I over process them.  A lot of this is my anxiety and depression.  A lot of this is just…well…me.  So after a lot of deliberation with myself; I have decided that it might be a good experience for me.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the truths of some of the other bloggers wrote about.  Some of them were real eye openers for me.  The truths are just that, truths and it allows you to see a side of people that is really intimate….a vulnerable spot for a lot of people.

A vulnerable spot for me.

The Truths:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

If you would like more information on the 30 Days of Truth project, you can find it here: {http://www.courtneykirkland.com/2010/10/30-days-of-truth.html}.

Wordless Wednesday – New Year’s Day @ Big Bear

The Small Things That Remind Me

When I was twenty, my father passed away.  My dad was fifty-four when I was born, so he was older than most of my friend’s fathers and I accepted at about the age of fourteen that my dad was not going to be in my life forever, but I guess I always thought I had more than twenty years with him.

The last ten years have been hard on me without him around.  My children will never know their grandfather, they will only know the memories I have of him; and even some of those are diluted with the years that have passed.  I wish my daddy was here to hold my little girl.  I wish he could tell his stories of being in the Navy and World War II to my middle son.  I wish that my teenager could have him to talk to like I did.

Things always remind me of him, and I think about him and miss him every day.  I wonder every day if he is proud of me.  Would he be happy with the path I have taken?  I often think sometimes when a problem comes along; what would my dad do or what would he tell me to do?  He is the one who encouraged me to move to Houston, even when I was having doubts.  He always told me to take chances.  One of his favorite sayings was: “Never be afraid to ask, because if they tell you no; what have you lost? Absolutely nothing, because you didn’t have it in the first place.  But if they tell you yes, you have gained everything.”

Lately however a lot of little things have really reminded me of my dad, and I wonder if it is his way of letting me know he is there, that he cares, that he is watching over me; over us.

• Like watching a favorite TV show of ours and one of the main characters’ fathers dying.

• Like being out and about, and hearing someone say, “BILL” and wanting to turn around and see my dad standing there.

• Like flipping through the channels of TV while in a hotel room and running across Saving Private Ryan which was the last movie we saw together in a movie theater.  In fact, he liked it so much we went to see it three times in the movie theater.

1. Like my husband picking randomly Who Framed Roger Rabbit for us to watch as a family of all the movies we have.  I haven’t seen that movie since my dad took me to see it when I was the age of my middle child.

• Like being at a friend’s wedding and losing it emotionally when she and her dad dance to the father/daughter dance.  Knowing that I will never have that, nor would I have ever had it because of my age when he passed.

• Like wanting to punch someone square in the face when they complain about how much of a douche bag ass hat their dad can be when in all actuality of it, their dad is THERE for them…yet they don’t take advantage of the opportunity they have to spend time with him all because of a stupid disagreement.

• Like when my kids tell me that their friends were talking about their Christmas breaks and Christmas Days; and how they spent them with their families including their grandfathers.

• Like turning on my computer and signing into facebook, and having a message from a group I belong to (that happens to be our family name) when I haven’t visited that group page or had a message from that group in over a year.

• Like my brother calling me on Christmas day and seeing I had a missed call from Bill (our last name), which happens to be what my dad’s name was.

• Like having him be involved in some aspect of dreams I have had over the past month.

It’s hard when you are reminded of the person you love that you have lost daily.  Especially when you have no real reminders of him.  My sister got most of his stuff, and was supposed to equally share it with myself and my two brothers, but that never happened.  She even has his ashes…which as morbid as it may sound; I wish I had.  I have no place to go for him….I have nothing but the memories that we shared and built together…And even they are starting to fade and become diluted with time.

I miss you, daddy.

A Letter to 2011

Dear 2011,

My, it seems like you got here fast.  I am not even really sure what happened to 2010.  It seemed to fly by so very fast.  For some it was a better year, for some it was a good year, for others it was a bad year….and even for a few the worst year so far.

I am starting you off in California just as I started 2010, but 2010 was full of still adjusting to a new state, a new city, a new place.  2010 was still accepting that I was far away from friends, far away from family…far away from things and places that were familiar to me.

So 2011, I plan to make you the year of adjustment by accepting that I am close to friends; and by finding new things and places that are familiar to me.  In 2011, California will become home.

I don’t think I was fair to 2010 in many ways.  One of the first things I was told after my diagnosis of depression was not to make any major changes (such as a move) in the first year of “recovery” and well just like everything else in life; I didn’t look before I leapt and we moved a mere 3 months after my diagnosis.  As much as I wanted the change, I don’t think I was as ready or strong enough for it as I claimed (or even tried) to be.

I did and said things in 2010 that I am not proud of and I hurt some people in the process; people that I care about and should not have hurt.  I’d like to blame it on my depression but in 2011 I am going to stop hiding behind my illness, using it as an excuse.  Because quite frankly, 2011, that is what I have been doing since I was diagnosed.

Already from what I hear, things are looking up.  I have heard that the economy is making an upward turn.  Unemployment is dropping.  More people who need jobs are actively looking for employment and finding it.  Employed people are taking steps to find better jobs or making their own more profitable.

2011, you hold my 31^st year.  I have survived through three decades and I will survive through you.  However, I am expecting you to make the start of my next three decades the best I have ever had so when 61 rolls around in 2041; I can tell it to be even more kick ass than you have been.