Twelve Steps – Step Two

Step 2 – Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

As I mentioned before, with the help of my therapist (and through her suggestion) I am working through the 12 Step Program that is used by AA. Although a lot of people associate this with alcoholism or addiction, I am finding it is a very helpful and powerful tool in the recovery and understanding of depression. At this point I have worked through and completed Step 2 of my 12 Step program.

I would like to believe that this step has been achieved a few times during my depression. Although the 12 Step program wants you to take the spiritual and religious path on this; that part of it has taken me longer to accept and believe. I am a spiritual person, I do believe in God; however it has been hard for me to just hand myself (or any part of me) over to him to “fix”. Have I put faith in him? Yes, I have. I believe that God has a path for me, but I also believe that God wants me to figure it all out for myself before he shows me the light or the path that I must take. I need to believe in myself first. I need to believe that I am that power and that I am better than the person I have been.

The first time a “power greater than myself” restored me to sanity was the first time I was hospitalized for my depression. I did not want to admit that I needed help for my depression, let alone that I was even depressed. The first hospitalization happened in Houston in 2009, and was for eleven days. The longest eleven days of my life. If you think being in a medical hospital is bad, being in a rehab/mental hospital is horrible. However, at that point in my life; I needed that horrible. I needed something large enough to wake me up and slap me in the face. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough, or I did not allow it to be enough.

Quite a few times that power has been another person. My husband or a friend grabbing a hold of my shoulders and saying, “HEY SNAP OUT OF IT”, or reasoning to with me to a point of understanding or at least compromise. A few times that power has simply been looking at my children and saying to myself, “you are better than this and they need you”.

When I was hospitalized the first time in California, I was embarrassed. I felt as though I had failed myself, my family and my friends. I thought, “I have already been here and I promised I never would again”. But I allowed myself to be there. And as much as I believed that the hospitalization in Texas had shaken me to a point of belief, of “a power greater than me”; it hadn’t and neither did being hospitalized this time. I again promised I would stay on track, not let this happen. I did not, and that was all on me; that “power” was all my doing.

Then something bigger happened. I allowed myself to fall into a hole again, back into a dark place; and didn’t really tell anyone or do anything about it. I was lying to myself as well as people around me. People who cared. I let feelings and thoughts fester and grow. I let those feelings and thoughts consume me. And although that is no excuse for what happened or my actions; I hurt people…people who care…people I love…people who love me. And I don’t know how to say I am sorry for that in a way that will ever make it better, will ever “fix” it. Again, that was all on me; that “power” was all my doing again. Every action, word said, thought thought, feeling felt was my own, my own responsibility; and I have accepted them. I made the decision to put myself in the hospital yet again, I made a more valiant effort in the groups, spoke with the counselors and doctors; held nothing back. Previously I had looked for help but never reached out for it. Now I am, I am reaching out in every direction I can. Groups, therapy, medications, doctor’s appointments.

I think I have realized; with the help of therapy, that this time that “power greater than myself” was actually myself. The only person who can do anything for me, is me. I have to make the effort; and before I was not. I wanted to believe I was, but I know now that I wasn’t. Does that excuse any hurt I have caused, any relationships broken, any harsh words spoken…no it does not. Illness or not, depression or not; those things where and are my fault. I just hope someday I can find a way to repair those things.

Moving on to Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) is going to be slightly harder for me. Although I am a spiritual and religious person, it is really hard for me to just hand myself over to my beliefs. I think the first step in achieving Step 3 is going to be to return myself to church. So for now, that is where I am.

Twelve Steps – Step One

When you are in recovery whether it be for an addiction or depression, there is a lot of talk about the twelve step program that is used by organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).  When you are in recovery for depression and not addiction it is hard to see how those twelve steps could benefit you.

I was advised by therapists and counselors in Texas to do the twelve step program.  I was handed the AA Big Book, a 12-Step pamphlet and sent on my way to work it by myself.  I didn’t really “qualify” for a sponsor because I had no addiction in my background; and according to them I had broken ground and this would help me to continue to do so.

Well every time I would start it, I would get to step three or four and quit.  Just quit, give up.  It was easier than dealing with it and besides; this was for people with addiction.  I could not have been more wrong.

I have a counselor/therapist now who is wonderful.  She is good at pushing me towards goals and making sure that I achieve them.  She has ingrained basic coping skills into my brain, things that seem like they should be so simple; but aren’t always for me.  She has said, “let’s take the steps together”>

So, I take Step 1 now.  And I look at the other 11 steps ahead of me and I feel a little scared.  I know, just like therapy and group; that taking these steps is going to bring up things that are not going to be easy.  But I am ready to take them, I need to take them.  No elevator this time, only those steps.

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable

In my case we are going to replace addiction with depression although in many ways the depression was an addiction.  I had be come so use to being miserable, sad and angry that I thought something was wrong when I was happy.

I had no problem before admitting to my depression or even anything (and everything) that has happened along the way.  I have never had a problem expressing my feelings, whether it be in a constructive or non-constructive manner.  I have never had a problem admitting the depression and anxiety.

However actually admitting I was powerless over the depression was harder.  I knew (and still know) that my depression can and will consume if I allow it to.  I  knew it was a problem, but did not accept or admit how big the problem really was.

I felt in many ways that admitting the depression had me powerless over myself made me feel like a failure.  How could a person not have control over themselves.  It seemed ridiculous in many ways.  And it was easier to complain and blame the depression than actually do something about it.

I wanted to be strong and take it all on myself.  I thought that by taking my medication and doing the minimal with therapy that it would be enough.  It wasn’t.

My depression was destroying my relationships, my integrity and my life.  And although I have depression, it does not define me.  And I will not let it, any more.

My name is Kelli James, I have depression.  I am powerless over my depression and my life has become unmanageable. I completed Step 1 on November 18, 2010.  It is time to take back my life.