2013 Resolutions

Resolutions for 2013

I make resolutions every year, some I keep and some I break. I wonder sometimes if I should make them because of the pressure to complete them. My husband calls them goals, and maybe if I looked at them that way I would achieve more of them.

So my goals for 2013 are as follows:

1. Health – every year, every month, every week I say I am going to eat better, exercise more….and for a short time I do but then I fall right back into the bad eating and laziness of not exercising. It is stupid cause I feel better when I eat better and exercise but it is easier to do and be the other way. Now with having diabetes my health is really a factor. So, my first goal for 2013 is to get healthy, all of us…no excuses, no laziness.

2. Family – Spend more time with my family instead of sitting on the couch on a Saturday or Sunday, I want to take more time to get out and do things with my kids and husband. Which leads me to my next one…

3. Parks – Visit every state park in Florida this year I want to visit every state park in Florida with the kids. Some I have been to but it has been a long time.

4. Faith – this year I will incorporate faith, God and church into our life more. I don’t want to be an occasional church goer anymore, and I want to instill faith in my children.

5. Organization – I say I am going to be better organized and stay less cluttered and 2013 is going to be the year it happens.

6. Friends – I will make more time for my friends this year. I live back in my hometown where a lot of people I grew up with still live yet I don’t take the time to make plans with them. That will change this year.

7. Charity – I will be more giving this year, and teach my kids this as well. I will help random people as well as give to my charities of choice in 2013.

8. Football – I love professional football. I know quite a bit but would like to know more and understand the game better. I’d also like to do fantasy this year, more then just the Perfect Challenge the NFL offers. And I would like to go to both a Miami Dolphin and Houston Texans game when the 2013 season starts.

9. Save – I will save more money this year. I will put myself on a budget, stick to it and put money in savings and away for retirement. I will get my kids to save more. I want to reestablish the envelope system and have them put money in for spend, short term goal, long term goal, save and charity.

10. Complete – this year I will start something and complete it. I will start 30 day challenges and not complete them. I will complete things this year.

Good Bye 2012

Dear 2012,

My you certainly had your ups and your downs didn’t you? And as soon as we thought it was finally mellowing out, you had something in your back pocket to whip out.

Although you weren’t the best year, your certainly weren’t the worst for me either. You were definitely kinder than 2009, 2010 or 2011; and far better than 2008.

And you definitely threw your blows. And some blows were brutal enough to make people fight back. Some blows caused us to turn the other cheek. Some of those blows were mere taps, while others were simply devastating. Each of those blows affected all of us in way or another, whether we were direct recipients of the blow or not.

2012, you went by fast. Every year I say the years seem to go by faster but you really flew. It seemed like you started 2012 and now BOOM you are gone. With all that did or didn’t happen during your time, maybe it is better you didn’t linger.

So, to you 2012, I say farewell. You will be remembered. Please tell 2013 to be kind.

Sincerely,

Me

Tuesday Truths – Following Up On Resolutions

My resolutions for 2012:

1.  Blog More – this is one I say I am going to do all the time and then fall behind on it. This year I would honestly like to blog more and want to make an active effort to do so. I enjoy blogging even if I don’t do it that well. – Well, let’s see…..I certainly have not stuck to this one. I honestly do want to blog more and would like to make the effort to do so.  But I know I can say that and until I do it is nothing but words.  Maybe I am still afraid of what people will think of what I write and I need to just stop that.  

2. Be better to myself – how I feel, the way I eat, how much I exercise, taking care of myself, making an effort in my apperience (nails, clothes, hair). – I have made a small effort at this one.  I did change my eating habits for a while but fell back into eating junk cause it’s just easier and let’s face it, it does taste good. This needs to be an effort that I put more into because if I don’t my health will pay for it.

3. Priorities - Get my priorities in order: God, Family, Myself, my friends, etc. – I can honestly say that I have done the most with this resolution, aside from taking better care of myself. I am making an effort to spend more time with my friends and family, and enjoy myself while doing so. I am not dealing with people’s drama, and instead avoiding people who bring drama into my life. I have a great family, a great set of friends who are like family and I have God in my life.

4. Give Back More – Volunteering, donating – I have not done anything on this resolution.

5. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones – Being back in Sebring has helped me to reconnect with my old friends and through them I have met some fantastic new people. I have also reconnected with a great group of girls that I love even though we are all in different parts of the U.S., I feel like they are my soul at times.

6. Take a family trip/vacation – A trip with Richard, the kids and myself to Hawaii? NY? Texas? California? – This might not happen till next year because of saving money to do so; however we are spending more time together as a family. 

7. Put myself on a budget and STICK TO IT!!! – Set a weekly/monthly budget for myself to stick to, invest more and prepare for the future. – I am actively putting money away for retirement, however I have not put myself on a budget yet so I have yet to stick to anything. 

8. Be more organized and efficient – in my life, at work, at home – The procrastinator in me will not allow this to happen for what ever reason and it is both sad and sickening. I need to be more organized, my stress would be so much less if I was.

9. Date Night – make regular “Date Nights” with my hubby and my girls, even if only once a month. - This is probably one of the only resolutions I have done anything with. My hubby and I have taken time to go out together. I have a friend who we try to do lunch every week. Now I just need to get a girls night together with my girls here in town and this resolution will be almost perfect.

Happy Tenth Birthday, Alex

Dear Alex,

Today you are ten.

It seems like such a big number.

Ten.

A whole decade.

Ten.

Double digits.

10.

You aren’t quite a man, but not quite a child.

Ten.

I never imagined ten years ago when I birthed you how different my world or the world in general would be.  I found out I was pregnant with you just days before September 11^th and so much has been changed because of that day. But so much more has been changed because you are in our lives.

In the ten years of your life we have lived in three states.  You turned every age from birth to eight in the state of Texas, the age of nine was spent in the state of California, and now ten comes to you in the state of Florida.

You wrote a story about yourself in which you said you were born on February 1, 2002; a cryless baby in Houston, Texas.  Well it was actually Katy, Texas but close enough. And as for cryless, well you hardly made a noise. You were always smiling and happy.

Always smiling.

Ten.

You are one of the brightest ten year olds I know, you are one of the brightest kids I know. Your wit and smarts and humor is what makes you so amazing and I hope that you never change. You have a charm about you that attracts everyone to you, even in a room full of 100 people.

I love you, dad loves you, your brother loves you, and your sister loves you.  And yes, yet again; you have won the heart of the four-legged family member in our house as you have become “Yogi’s boy”.

Happy Tenth Birthday, Alexander William James

February 1, 2002

February 1, 2012

Twenty-Two Years

I cannot believe it has been twenty-two years since I last saw you.

Twenty-two years since we last spoke.

Twenty-two years since you left this world.

Twenty-two years without you.

 

I was ten years old.

I am now thirty-two years old.

Twenty-two years.

And it hasn’t gotten any easier.

 

And I wonder……

Are you proud of me?

Do you know how much I miss you?

Do you know how desperately I wish you knew my children?

Do you know that you were my best friend?

 

IN MEMORY OF VIVIEN M CHAPMAN NOVEMBER 3, 1912 TO JANUARY 31, 1990.

 

 

Resolutions for 2012

Ok, so maybe I behind the norm….waiting till the 8th day of the new year to post what my resolutions will be for that year but I wrote the list in December of 2011 so it still counts right?

This was meant to be posted on the first of January but nothing ever happens when it is supposed to in my life. There is a reason I am known as a procrastinator. I’d say that is one thing I would like to change but I know honestly that it probably never will.

Alright, enough with the chit chat…

My resolutions for 2012:

1.  Blog More – this is one I say I am going to do all the time and then fall behind on it. This year I would honestly like to blog more and want to make an active effort to do so. I enjoy blogging even if I don’t do it that well.

2. Be better to myself – how I feel, the way I eat, how much I exercise, taking care of myself, making an effort in my apperience (nails, clothes, hair).

3. Priorities - Get my priorities in order: God, Family, Myself, my friends, etc.

4. Give Back More – Volunteering, donating

5. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones -

6. Take a family trip/vacation – A trip with Richard, the kids and myself to Hawaii? NY? Texas? California?

7. Put myself on a budget and STICK TO IT!!! – Set a weekly/monthly budget for myself to stick to, invest more and prepare for the future.

8. Be more organized and efficient – in my life, at work, at home

9. Date Night – make regular “Date Nights” with my hubby and my girls, even if only once a month.

 

Thursday Truth – Old Posts Stir Up Hurt Feelings

I have removed myself some from the online world.  I do some things still; I try to continue to write on my blog (for me more than anything because it feels good sometimes just to get it out), I still use facebook, I tried to get back to twitter but I just can’t keep up with it (especially now with work).  I enjoy Pintrest, GetGlue and Klout; although not being as active on the internet and in social networking atmospheres probably doesn’t give me much of anything in any subject or topic area.

I hadn’t opened my reader in I don’t know how long.  Probably not since the last time I blogged while I was still living in California, and well that post wasn’t exactly one of my finer moments in life.

“You have to take responsibility”

“You have to own your words”

“You have to own your feelings”

“You have to learn to blame yourself, redeem yourself and forgive yourself for the things you have done/said/wrote/blogged/texted/etc. whatever they may be”

People don’t really understand how hard that is to do, especially when depression is playing a role; not unless they have been down that road.

The blame, hate, rage, misunderstanding, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anger. It is misappropriated, flung on to people when it is really yourself you feel all of those things about. Flung on to people you love and care about and then it just batters them down until they can’t take the beating anymore. Why? Because it is easier to blame then to take responsibility.

Back to the reader….

I open the reader and see a gazillion blog posts that need to be read. We are talking haven’t looked at this thing in over a year’s time. I have now limited myself to the few that I actually care to read.  I took my reader from 126 blogs down to 18.  I lately have been more of a lurker than anything else, there are times I intend to comment and don’t.  Why? Fear perhaps. Maybe because I feel what I have to say makes no difference. Because I don’t want to be just another “comment on the page”.  I am not sure why I don’t comment when I want to….ok it is fear.

As I was weeding down my reader, I was going back to blogs and reading missed posts.  Going back sometimes as much as a year because I haven’t read the blog in that long. Laughing at things, smiling about others. Crying over some. Amazed by how a lot of these bloggers write.  Jealous because I don’t write as well or keep up with my blog like I want to. Envious, even.

But when you read back through old blog posts, you sometimes come across things you don’t want. Stories of death, bad days, hurt feelings. Stories that make you, yourself face truth. Posts that hurt because you know they are directed at you even though your name is not used.

And tonight that has opened up a whole new set of feelings for me.  A part of me I thought I had put behind me. Feelings that I thought I had gotten past. Hurt that not only emotionally hurts but physically hurts as well. Loss. Feeling broken again. Broken, a word I said I would not use about myself again…yet as I write this I feel so broken.

I don’t know how to fix what did or didn’t happen. What has or hasn’t happened. I don’t know how to fill in gaps and holes that are so large they swallow me whole.

I want to reach out. I have tried to reach out at first, not as much as I should….not so much anymore.  And that pains me because I want to. I feel I should. But I don’t know what good it will do. And when I do and there is no response, complete ignorance of the attempt it just hurts. And then the broken comes back.

I miss what was there, more than I can ever explain. More than I knew I would.

And the hardest part of it all?  I did this.  This was all me. I caused the hurt, I caused the pain, I caused the confusion, the mistrust. Now I have to learn to live with it.

Yes, I have an illness and it has taken me some time to truly understand that illness and control it not let it control me.  There are still times that I can feel it taking hold and sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to let it take over. I use to say I didn’t want to be defined by it, yet I used it as an excuse every chance I got. I hid behind it like a coward. I used it to excuse actions, behavior and words of mine that I didn’t want to take responsibility or acceptance for myself. I allowed it to be an excuse and I allowed it to control me. That was me, not the illness.

I don’t know if I can ever truly apologize for what happened.  What I do know is it was my fault, and mine alone.  I said those things, I behaved that way, I made the choices, they were my actions; with or without the illness, all of it was me because I allowed it to happen.

I truly am sorry, after all this time has passed I still am not able to forgive myself fully because I damaged something that was so special. Now I have to live with that. I don’t expect to ever be forgiven because I can’t even forgive myself for that, at least not yet. I miss you.

Without Internet

Kind of defeats the purpose doesn’t it? Blogging without Internet. Thank goodness for my phone this week, cause I might have more serious withdraw than I already am. See this is what happens when your husband waits till he is out of town to schedule things like new internet providers and cable tv switches. I think he does it on purpose.

In many ways that scares me. I do a lot of things that are internet based and this week is teaching me that I need to disconnect more from that. I am learning things about my kids I didn’t know, I have been involved in church, I went to volunteer events, and have gone out with friends.

I know too many people who don’t disconnect at all. Their phone is constantly in their hands to text or tweet or Facebook or message in some way shape or form. You never know if they are paying attention to you or what’s going on because of that. It is distracting to everyone involved and I am noticing now, plain out rude.

Till my internet is back, this is what you get, because have you ever tried to type a whole blog post on a cell phone? Not fun. Not that I am a regular blogger anyways.

So you might see posts from me about watching tv (FOOTBALL) on Facebook or Twitter, but mostly I’ll be playing board games with my kids.

BLOG HOP: 25 things you might not know about me…

I had a completely different post in mind for tonight but upon reading this on Nicole’s blog, I decided to make this the topic.

1. I adore children’s shows and will watch things like Wizards of Waverly Place, iCarly, Good Luck Charlie, I’m in the Band, Big Time Rush, etc. even if my children aren’t home.
2. Although my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast, my favorite Disney character is Alice.
3. I consider myself fairly versed in music and will listen to just about anything, though I don’t favor rap or heavy metal.
4. I still drink kool-aid, grape is my favorite.
5. I have a collection of music boxes that my great grandmother started for me.
6. I love to watch Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman movies.
7. I love cooking, but I despise baking.
8. I have a really hard time buying anything for myself, even if it is something I want or need. I find it selfish.
9. I cannot “roll” my tongue* and my children think it is hilarious. (All 3 of them can) *see illustration below*.
10. I love being outside (camping, biking, hiking, at the lake, etc.) and wish we did more things “outdoors”.
11. When I was in high school, I was a big Ag nerd, did my co-op at a citrus plant, was in FFA and raised a lamb for the county fair (which was best in show for his weight class).
12. My middle name is Jan which is my grandmother’s name, my mother’s middle name is Vivien which was her grandmother’s name and my daughter’s middle name is Carol which is my mother’s name.  The tradition goes back to my great grandmother’s great grandmother of using the grandmother’s name as the daughter’s middle name.  My poor daughter will have to figure out how to use Kelli if she continues the tradition.
13. I have read The Circle Trilogy by Nora Roberts 24 times.
14. I believe in Ghosts.
15. I have an unhealthy obsession with Dave Grohl and think my husband favors him slightly.
16. I play at least one of the six Guitar Hero games daily: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero III: Legands of Rock, Guitar Hero World Tour, Guitar Hero 5 and Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock (all for xbox 360) and have owned ALL versions of Guitar Hero (Aerosmith, 80′s, etc.) at one time or another.
17. I have an electric guitar and would love to continue my lessons so I can learn to play it.
18. Although I want to learn to play guitar, I prefer drummers.
19. I don’t know a lot about social media, and as much as I want to be a part of things (facebook, twitter, etc.) it scares me.
20. I could eat crab, avocado and popcorn every day.
21. I loathe the black leather “media” theater seating couch that we own.  LOATE.IT.
22. I secretly want a cat, but can’t have one because my husband and son are severely allergic to them.
23. I had gestational diabetes with all three of my children and was insulin requiring with my daughter.
24. I wish my husband and I held hands more.
25. I met my husband online back in 1998; before meeting someone online was “cool” on Excite Chat program (way before eHarmony) and we used ICQ to talk to one another.

So there you have it, 25 things you might not know about me; but now you do.

P.S. For those of you who don’t know what I mean by “roll” my tongue THIS is what I mean:

1. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Daddy (7-24-11)

This post should have been posted on the 24th of July which would have been my dad’s 87th birthday.  This post, however, was on a USB key I have been taking to work so that if I do personal things at work I could put them on the drive to bring them home.  I password protected that key so that if I left it at work or someone else got a hold of it they could not access the files on it.  I forgot the password until the other day and then that password ended up being wrong as well.  I finally remembered the correct password today….so here is the post that was supposed to be a letter to my daddy on his birthday.  I miss him so much, may her rest in peace.

 

 

July 24, 2011

Dear Daddy,

Today is your birthday.  You would be 87 years old today if you were still around.  Hard to believe it has been almost twelve years since I lost you.  I miss you more then you could ever imagine, or maybe you can.  It is hard every day for me to see other people with their dads or complaining about their fathers, because I would give anything to have my daddy back and with me.

I suppose you know that I have three children now.  Robert is fourteen now and starting high school.  I know if you were still alive that would floor you as you were there when he was born.  I am glad you got to see him but so wish you were here to see Alexander and Samantha.  I think you would have gotten a huge kick out of Alex, he is quite the little boy.  Very much into “military” and boy things.  He is so smart.  Samantha is sassy as can be.  Mom says she is a lot like I was when I was her age.  She is a beautiful little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and I am sure she would be grandpa’s little girl if you were still here.

Some things have happened in my life that I wish I could have picked up the phone and called you or just had you there to turn to.  Today is an anniversary of another major event in my life and I am sorry that event happened on your birthday.  Maybe remembering it was your birthday contributed to what happened that day.  I never meant to dishonor you.

Bill and I still keep in touch.  We email on occasion and call (usually play phone tag with one another).  We use to talk weekly, every Wednesday but that got harder when we made the move to California cause of time difference; and now with me working and Bill working our schedules don’t always match up.  I don’ hear from John at all but then we never really were the “sibling” type where we?  And Janet I think has pretty much ignored the fact that I am even here.  Things have happened with her that I am not happy with and I tried but you can only try so much before you break because you just can’t put forth the effort when it isn’t returned.

We moved back to Sebring, and every day I have to remember that you aren’t here in the place I consider home for me to call or for the kids to see or to invite to dinner.  I wish you knew Richard better but am glad the two of you had the opportunity to meet one another before you were gone.  Mom and I have had our moments but I love her and I know she loves me.  And I know she didn’t handle things correctly but Jack was not a bad guy and he cared about her, and me and the kids.

I wish all the time that I could just see you one more time.  I didn’t expect you to be gone as soon as you were.  I thought I had time to go back to Houston and make arrangements to come back with Robert.  I thought you would come out of it and I could get you to come to Houston with me.  I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d have you for a little while longer.

It is hard to lose your daddy at twenty.  I know that is not what you intended and I accepted when I was about fourteen that I would not have you forever or as long as perhaps some of my friends would have their dads but I really thought I had more time than twenty years.  And maybe it is selfish of me because I did have that time with you but I feel cheated as well because I wanted so much more.

Happy Birthday, daddy.  I love you and I miss you.  I hope you are proud of me; and I know you are watching over me.

 

Love your little girl,

 

Kelli