Tuesday Truths – Weight

Has something ever scared you so bad that even with all the fear and knowledge that you have to overcome that moment you still are in a sense of shock?

Has something ever been so clear and obvious to you that you knew it was the truth even with out being told but still were overwhelmed when that one thing was brought straight forward to your attention?

Has something ever been so “in your face” that even though there was no denying it, you still did?

I am guilty of all of the above.  I knew my weight was an issue. I knew my weight was unhealthy. I knew it was there, hell it is all of me. Yet even with me saying I knew these things, and knew changes needed to be made; I denied it to myself when it came down to actually doing something.

Sure, I changed the way I was eating….sort of.  Sure, I was going to the gym….sort of. Sure, I was walking the dog, having “dance parties” in the living room with my kids, walking during work, dancing in the car…sort of.

It all tumbled down and smacked me in the face when I was going through paperwork from when I was in the hospital in February for dizziness and passing out. I went through every test imaginable, saw every type of doctor I think they could send my way, spent five days in the hospital, final diagnosis: Meniere’s disease (which runs in my family).  Not so bad, it is manageable and treatable.  Not one single time did anyone say to me the words “blood sugar” or “diabetes”.  Not one single time was it an issue at all.  Neuro or Cardio perhaps, but all of those tests came back “normal”, “negative”, “with in range”.

Now as stupid as this may sound, it never dawned on me to look at the papers they gave me from the hospital at the time of check out. I did my due diligence, called my primary physician to tell them I had been in the hospital. Spoke to him and he stated since the paperwork they received mentioned the possibility of the Meniere’s disease, he didn’t need to see me and to proceed to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist since Meniere’s is an inner ear thing. Never once did he say to me “blood sugar” or “diabetes”.

So, upon finally looking at the discharge paperwork from hospital, almost two months after discharge, I noticed that it said Hemoglobin A1c test was done and that mine was a 5.9, fasting glucose tests were within ” 108-114″ and above normal. Again, called my primary care physician and was told to see an endocrinologist. So I did just that.

The result was borderline diabetic.

So now I am on a real mission. I know I have talked about losing weight and needing/wanting to but now it is an issue of my health. Plus being heavy like I am feeds into my depression, which is a matter of my health as well.  I know I might get some grief about this because I am supposed to love my body the way I am or love myself for who I am. I don’t. I am not happy with anything about my body. I am not trying to say that losing weight or being thin is for everyone or even trying to push any type of body image or eating disorder. I need to be healthy, and my healthy weight according to my doctor is 135 pounds. So it will take some time to get there but slow and steady wins the race.

Tuesday Truths – Resolutions

We are four months into the year and my resolutions have both been kept and broken.  Here is where I stand now with them. My resolutions for 2012:

1.  Blog More – Well you all know how this one has gone….basically it hasn’t gone well. I say all the time I would honestly like to blog more and then I don’t. I am the only one to blame for that. There is plenty I could blog about to fill up at least four to five of the seven days of the week if not all seven.

2. Be better to myself – this is another one I have broke and I am paying for it. I take weight off, I put it on, I take it off, I put it on. I get active, I get lazy. I feel good about myself, I fall into depression.

3. Priorities - I am going to blame this one partially for why blogging more has fallen off my list. I have been trying to spend more time with my family, and have been. I have not kept up on some of the other priorities on my list such as being good to myself and incorporating faith and God more into our lives.

4. Give Back More – I have done some volunteering but not as much as I would like to.

5. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones – Reconnecting with old friends just seems to keep happening and reoccurring constantly for me. I am reconnecting with people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years and it feels good. Now to work on the making new friends part.

6. Take a family trip/vacation – I am working out a family trip (plans, budget, saving) for a trip to Hawaii in the summer of 2013. I am hoping it will all work out so that I we can go, looks good for now.

7. Put myself on a budget and STICK TO IT!!! – Still saving and investing, still not on a budget!

8. Be more organized and efficient – This has not been an easy one for me. I have become more efficient and organized at work but not at home or in my own life.

9. Date Night – Still keeping with weekly (or as often as we possibly can) lunches with one friend. Have spent time out with my girls. Try to go out with my husband (just us) or go out as a family for dinner. Sometimes we go to dinner as a family then the boys go to one movie and the girls go to another.

Tuesday Truths – Tired

Tired

I am tired.

Tired of …

…feeling overweight.

…being overweight.

…feeling unhealthy.

…being unhealthy.

…not being able to buy a piece of clothing I want because it doesn’t come in my “size”.

…having to get the next size up so it will fit.

…having clothes I cannot wear.

…being depressed over my weight.

…seeing the numbers 180, 190 and 200.

And I am the ONLY one who can DO something ABOUT it!

So I am, cause as I said…..I am tired of it all.

And I am not calling myself ‘fat’ but I AM overweight. I AM unhealthy. I AM uncomfortable. I AM unhappy with my body. There is no getting use it or loving myself. I can’t do so when I know that the weight I am at is unhealthy for me.

 

Fat Tuesday is today……so I celebrated. Last time in a long time I am going to eat like I did today. I am going to do a junk food challenge for 21 days. A fast food challenge for 30 days. I have work outs planned, a work out buddy. Going to try Body by Vi shakes. I am going to change what we eat (because I know how to), be more active (because I should) and make a life change not only for me but for my whole family cause we could all use the healthy side of this.

I’ve talked about it too much, now is the time for action. I am going to track my progress on my blog (pictures and all).

So, Kelli, let’s do this!

Tuesday Truths – Following Up On Resolutions

My resolutions for 2012:

1.  Blog More – this is one I say I am going to do all the time and then fall behind on it. This year I would honestly like to blog more and want to make an active effort to do so. I enjoy blogging even if I don’t do it that well. – Well, let’s see…..I certainly have not stuck to this one. I honestly do want to blog more and would like to make the effort to do so.  But I know I can say that and until I do it is nothing but words.  Maybe I am still afraid of what people will think of what I write and I need to just stop that.  

2. Be better to myself – how I feel, the way I eat, how much I exercise, taking care of myself, making an effort in my apperience (nails, clothes, hair). – I have made a small effort at this one.  I did change my eating habits for a while but fell back into eating junk cause it’s just easier and let’s face it, it does taste good. This needs to be an effort that I put more into because if I don’t my health will pay for it.

3. Priorities - Get my priorities in order: God, Family, Myself, my friends, etc. – I can honestly say that I have done the most with this resolution, aside from taking better care of myself. I am making an effort to spend more time with my friends and family, and enjoy myself while doing so. I am not dealing with people’s drama, and instead avoiding people who bring drama into my life. I have a great family, a great set of friends who are like family and I have God in my life.

4. Give Back More – Volunteering, donating – I have not done anything on this resolution.

5. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones – Being back in Sebring has helped me to reconnect with my old friends and through them I have met some fantastic new people. I have also reconnected with a great group of girls that I love even though we are all in different parts of the U.S., I feel like they are my soul at times.

6. Take a family trip/vacation – A trip with Richard, the kids and myself to Hawaii? NY? Texas? California? – This might not happen till next year because of saving money to do so; however we are spending more time together as a family. 

7. Put myself on a budget and STICK TO IT!!! – Set a weekly/monthly budget for myself to stick to, invest more and prepare for the future. – I am actively putting money away for retirement, however I have not put myself on a budget yet so I have yet to stick to anything. 

8. Be more organized and efficient – in my life, at work, at home – The procrastinator in me will not allow this to happen for what ever reason and it is both sad and sickening. I need to be more organized, my stress would be so much less if I was.

9. Date Night – make regular “Date Nights” with my hubby and my girls, even if only once a month. - This is probably one of the only resolutions I have done anything with. My hubby and I have taken time to go out together. I have a friend who we try to do lunch every week. Now I just need to get a girls night together with my girls here in town and this resolution will be almost perfect.

Thursday Truth – Old Posts Stir Up Hurt Feelings

I have removed myself some from the online world.  I do some things still; I try to continue to write on my blog (for me more than anything because it feels good sometimes just to get it out), I still use facebook, I tried to get back to twitter but I just can’t keep up with it (especially now with work).  I enjoy Pintrest, GetGlue and Klout; although not being as active on the internet and in social networking atmospheres probably doesn’t give me much of anything in any subject or topic area.

I hadn’t opened my reader in I don’t know how long.  Probably not since the last time I blogged while I was still living in California, and well that post wasn’t exactly one of my finer moments in life.

“You have to take responsibility”

“You have to own your words”

“You have to own your feelings”

“You have to learn to blame yourself, redeem yourself and forgive yourself for the things you have done/said/wrote/blogged/texted/etc. whatever they may be”

People don’t really understand how hard that is to do, especially when depression is playing a role; not unless they have been down that road.

The blame, hate, rage, misunderstanding, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anger. It is misappropriated, flung on to people when it is really yourself you feel all of those things about. Flung on to people you love and care about and then it just batters them down until they can’t take the beating anymore. Why? Because it is easier to blame then to take responsibility.

Back to the reader….

I open the reader and see a gazillion blog posts that need to be read. We are talking haven’t looked at this thing in over a year’s time. I have now limited myself to the few that I actually care to read.  I took my reader from 126 blogs down to 18.  I lately have been more of a lurker than anything else, there are times I intend to comment and don’t.  Why? Fear perhaps. Maybe because I feel what I have to say makes no difference. Because I don’t want to be just another “comment on the page”.  I am not sure why I don’t comment when I want to….ok it is fear.

As I was weeding down my reader, I was going back to blogs and reading missed posts.  Going back sometimes as much as a year because I haven’t read the blog in that long. Laughing at things, smiling about others. Crying over some. Amazed by how a lot of these bloggers write.  Jealous because I don’t write as well or keep up with my blog like I want to. Envious, even.

But when you read back through old blog posts, you sometimes come across things you don’t want. Stories of death, bad days, hurt feelings. Stories that make you, yourself face truth. Posts that hurt because you know they are directed at you even though your name is not used.

And tonight that has opened up a whole new set of feelings for me.  A part of me I thought I had put behind me. Feelings that I thought I had gotten past. Hurt that not only emotionally hurts but physically hurts as well. Loss. Feeling broken again. Broken, a word I said I would not use about myself again…yet as I write this I feel so broken.

I don’t know how to fix what did or didn’t happen. What has or hasn’t happened. I don’t know how to fill in gaps and holes that are so large they swallow me whole.

I want to reach out. I have tried to reach out at first, not as much as I should….not so much anymore.  And that pains me because I want to. I feel I should. But I don’t know what good it will do. And when I do and there is no response, complete ignorance of the attempt it just hurts. And then the broken comes back.

I miss what was there, more than I can ever explain. More than I knew I would.

And the hardest part of it all?  I did this.  This was all me. I caused the hurt, I caused the pain, I caused the confusion, the mistrust. Now I have to learn to live with it.

Yes, I have an illness and it has taken me some time to truly understand that illness and control it not let it control me.  There are still times that I can feel it taking hold and sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to let it take over. I use to say I didn’t want to be defined by it, yet I used it as an excuse every chance I got. I hid behind it like a coward. I used it to excuse actions, behavior and words of mine that I didn’t want to take responsibility or acceptance for myself. I allowed it to be an excuse and I allowed it to control me. That was me, not the illness.

I don’t know if I can ever truly apologize for what happened.  What I do know is it was my fault, and mine alone.  I said those things, I behaved that way, I made the choices, they were my actions; with or without the illness, all of it was me because I allowed it to happen.

I truly am sorry, after all this time has passed I still am not able to forgive myself fully because I damaged something that was so special. Now I have to live with that. I don’t expect to ever be forgiven because I can’t even forgive myself for that, at least not yet. I miss you.

BLOG HOP: 25 things you might not know about me…

I had a completely different post in mind for tonight but upon reading this on Nicole’s blog, I decided to make this the topic.

1. I adore children’s shows and will watch things like Wizards of Waverly Place, iCarly, Good Luck Charlie, I’m in the Band, Big Time Rush, etc. even if my children aren’t home.
2. Although my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast, my favorite Disney character is Alice.
3. I consider myself fairly versed in music and will listen to just about anything, though I don’t favor rap or heavy metal.
4. I still drink kool-aid, grape is my favorite.
5. I have a collection of music boxes that my great grandmother started for me.
6. I love to watch Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman movies.
7. I love cooking, but I despise baking.
8. I have a really hard time buying anything for myself, even if it is something I want or need. I find it selfish.
9. I cannot “roll” my tongue* and my children think it is hilarious. (All 3 of them can) *see illustration below*.
10. I love being outside (camping, biking, hiking, at the lake, etc.) and wish we did more things “outdoors”.
11. When I was in high school, I was a big Ag nerd, did my co-op at a citrus plant, was in FFA and raised a lamb for the county fair (which was best in show for his weight class).
12. My middle name is Jan which is my grandmother’s name, my mother’s middle name is Vivien which was her grandmother’s name and my daughter’s middle name is Carol which is my mother’s name.  The tradition goes back to my great grandmother’s great grandmother of using the grandmother’s name as the daughter’s middle name.  My poor daughter will have to figure out how to use Kelli if she continues the tradition.
13. I have read The Circle Trilogy by Nora Roberts 24 times.
14. I believe in Ghosts.
15. I have an unhealthy obsession with Dave Grohl and think my husband favors him slightly.
16. I play at least one of the six Guitar Hero games daily: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero III: Legands of Rock, Guitar Hero World Tour, Guitar Hero 5 and Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock (all for xbox 360) and have owned ALL versions of Guitar Hero (Aerosmith, 80′s, etc.) at one time or another.
17. I have an electric guitar and would love to continue my lessons so I can learn to play it.
18. Although I want to learn to play guitar, I prefer drummers.
19. I don’t know a lot about social media, and as much as I want to be a part of things (facebook, twitter, etc.) it scares me.
20. I could eat crab, avocado and popcorn every day.
21. I loathe the black leather “media” theater seating couch that we own.  LOATE.IT.
22. I secretly want a cat, but can’t have one because my husband and son are severely allergic to them.
23. I had gestational diabetes with all three of my children and was insulin requiring with my daughter.
24. I wish my husband and I held hands more.
25. I met my husband online back in 1998; before meeting someone online was “cool” on Excite Chat program (way before eHarmony) and we used ICQ to talk to one another.

So there you have it, 25 things you might not know about me; but now you do.

P.S. For those of you who don’t know what I mean by “roll” my tongue THIS is what I mean:

1. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Daddy (7-24-11)

This post should have been posted on the 24th of July which would have been my dad’s 87th birthday.  This post, however, was on a USB key I have been taking to work so that if I do personal things at work I could put them on the drive to bring them home.  I password protected that key so that if I left it at work or someone else got a hold of it they could not access the files on it.  I forgot the password until the other day and then that password ended up being wrong as well.  I finally remembered the correct password today….so here is the post that was supposed to be a letter to my daddy on his birthday.  I miss him so much, may her rest in peace.

 

 

July 24, 2011

Dear Daddy,

Today is your birthday.  You would be 87 years old today if you were still around.  Hard to believe it has been almost twelve years since I lost you.  I miss you more then you could ever imagine, or maybe you can.  It is hard every day for me to see other people with their dads or complaining about their fathers, because I would give anything to have my daddy back and with me.

I suppose you know that I have three children now.  Robert is fourteen now and starting high school.  I know if you were still alive that would floor you as you were there when he was born.  I am glad you got to see him but so wish you were here to see Alexander and Samantha.  I think you would have gotten a huge kick out of Alex, he is quite the little boy.  Very much into “military” and boy things.  He is so smart.  Samantha is sassy as can be.  Mom says she is a lot like I was when I was her age.  She is a beautiful little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and I am sure she would be grandpa’s little girl if you were still here.

Some things have happened in my life that I wish I could have picked up the phone and called you or just had you there to turn to.  Today is an anniversary of another major event in my life and I am sorry that event happened on your birthday.  Maybe remembering it was your birthday contributed to what happened that day.  I never meant to dishonor you.

Bill and I still keep in touch.  We email on occasion and call (usually play phone tag with one another).  We use to talk weekly, every Wednesday but that got harder when we made the move to California cause of time difference; and now with me working and Bill working our schedules don’t always match up.  I don’ hear from John at all but then we never really were the “sibling” type where we?  And Janet I think has pretty much ignored the fact that I am even here.  Things have happened with her that I am not happy with and I tried but you can only try so much before you break because you just can’t put forth the effort when it isn’t returned.

We moved back to Sebring, and every day I have to remember that you aren’t here in the place I consider home for me to call or for the kids to see or to invite to dinner.  I wish you knew Richard better but am glad the two of you had the opportunity to meet one another before you were gone.  Mom and I have had our moments but I love her and I know she loves me.  And I know she didn’t handle things correctly but Jack was not a bad guy and he cared about her, and me and the kids.

I wish all the time that I could just see you one more time.  I didn’t expect you to be gone as soon as you were.  I thought I had time to go back to Houston and make arrangements to come back with Robert.  I thought you would come out of it and I could get you to come to Houston with me.  I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d have you for a little while longer.

It is hard to lose your daddy at twenty.  I know that is not what you intended and I accepted when I was about fourteen that I would not have you forever or as long as perhaps some of my friends would have their dads but I really thought I had more time than twenty years.  And maybe it is selfish of me because I did have that time with you but I feel cheated as well because I wanted so much more.

Happy Birthday, daddy.  I love you and I miss you.  I hope you are proud of me; and I know you are watching over me.

 

Love your little girl,

 

Kelli

Meal Planning, Grocery List & Couponing

I have always tried to be a meal planner. When we moved to California, I would plan out the whole weeks meals on Sunday, we would grocery shop for the items needed and then all that was left to do was actually prepare the meals. I would sometimes pre-chop things (i.e. onions, peppers, carrots) days in advance depending on what the meals called for and place them in tupperware or zip-loc baggies. I would do themed weeks were I would make a full week of Italian or Mexican or Asian cuisines; and even a few times let the kids pick the menus for the week. This made things so easy because I knew ahead of time what was planned and knew I had all the ingredients I needed. I also was not working so I could spend all day in the kitchen if I need to do so.

I haven’t done much meal planning at all since we moved to Florida.  I just kind of buy things and fly by the seat of my pants depending on the night.  Before I started my new job that was a little easier to do because I had more time at home, but now not so much.  The crock-pot is about to become my friend again, which I don’t mind at all as I have quite a few crock-pot recipes that are really good.  However, I need to orchestrate the planning part again.  Even knowing I have the crock-pot to do a lot of the work for me, I still have not planned things out as thoroughly as they should be.  In the coming weeks it is only going to get busier and more hectic with the hubby in Houston and the kids starting swim lessons.

So here I am back to planning out the meals.  I think it will take some stress off of me and everyone will know what is for dinner instead of me being asked as soon as I walk in the door from work.  With planning the meals out, I can also feel more comfortable about returning to a regular work out schedule as I won’t have to rush to fit dinner in as well if it is already cooking (in the crock-pot) or planned and thawed.

My second biggest challenge here is my grocery list.  I have a habit of just assuming what I need sometimes and well….we all know what that does.  I need to be more thorough about going through the cabinets, making lists of things I already  have and then processing lists for shopping based on what I have, what I have planned for meals and what is still needed.  This is another technique I was using in California that saved a lot of time (and money) at the grocery store.

Now a lot of you are involved in couponing.  I don’t really understand the whole thing but if using coupons can save me some money I am not against it in the least bit.  I don’t want to get extreme and have stock piles of things I may never use; or buy something just because it’s on sale or I have a coupon for it.  I buy a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables so a lot of time there aren’t coupons for those things; however, we have our staples and snacks that we buy that couponing could benefit.  This shopping list/trip I am going to try to use as many coupons as possible and utilize as many of the in store sales I can.

So where does that leave me now, well it leaves me with a big chore ahead of me of starting in the cabinets and making a list of the items I do have, and I mean everything even spices.  From there decide what meals I making for the next week or two and then compile my grocery list based on what I need versus what I have already.  Once my list is complete I can check for coupons and sales at the local stores (I mostly shop at Publix).  And perhaps I will start posting the weekly meals again as I did for a short while.

If anybody has any tips or ideas, I am open to them.  Also, if you have recipes to share…especially crock-pot ones…I am open to trying new things and new ideas all the time.

A “Weighty” Issue

On the radio, not too long ago, it was mentioned that a survey was done of women and nearly 80% said they would give up one (1) year of their lives if it meant they could have and keep an ideal body weight/image for the rest of their lives without having to work at it. Ten (10) percent said they would give up two (2) to five (5) years for the ideal body weight and an additional two (2) percent  said they would give up UP to TEN (10) years of their lives to maintain a ideal body weight/image.  The rest was undecided or didn’t respond.

So this got me thinking, and…well…you know how dangerous that can be.

If giving up  one (1) year of my life could get me to my idea of an ideal body weight/image for myself and possibly allow me an additional ten (10) years of life because I have a weight that is healthy for me; I would do it.  Might seem a little steep to give up a whole year of my life just to be “skinny” but if the weight I am at now is dangerous for my health (which I believe AND know that it is) and being at this unhealthy weight could put me at risk for death five (5) to ten (10) years sooner than I should die; then losing that one (1) year so I could have that additional four (4) to nine (9) years might just be worth it, especially since that is time I could spend with my family.

I never had a problem with my weight when I was younger.  I didn’t have to work hard at losing weight and I could eat anything I wanted to.  I had my oldest young and took the weight off in no time, even took the weight off pretty easily after my second child.  Was a little harder after the third child but I was also older and not as active.  My weight has fluctuated throughout the years from 124 pounds up to 215 pounds. Not something I am proud of but it is something that I struggle with now.  Having depression hasn’t helped and being on some of the medications I take hasn’t either as their side effects include weight gain and/or bloating.  I don’t want to be super skinny I just want to be at a healthy weight and maintain that weight.

So you tell me, would you be willing to give up any amount of time of your life to have and maintain an ideal body weight/image for the rest of your life; one that you don’t have to work out to maintain?

Fear…

I haven’t written in a while out of fear.  Fear of my own feelings, of my own words…and fear of those words hurting someone else.  I was once told that your blog is just that, yours.  Write how you feel, what you feel, how you think; so on and so forth.  I have read other blogs that have out right just been classified as nothing other then rude about a topic, person, thing, idea….well you understand.  And it just seemed to me it was accepted.  Like, “Oh, well ‘so & so’ is just like that” so it is expected.  I don’t want to feel afraid to write the words on my page out of fear.

While in therapy one of our topics was fear.  We were supposed to come up with 10 things we had a fear of.  Most people in the group picked things like spiders, heights and the normal phobias.  One other girl and myself were the only ones in the group that wrote things like losing someone we love and ourselves.  That was one of the hardest group topics we had, realizing that you have internal fears and bringing them externally to be examined is not an easy thing.  Especially when one of those fears is your own self.

The therapist that day put this on the board:

Feeling

Emotions

&

Accepting

Responsibility

Fear is just that, it is feeling an emotion or emotions and then having to accept the responsibility of those emotions and the consequences or outcome of those emotions.

My fear of writing comes from a post I made that hurt people I care about.  People who were close to me.  I fear that my writing may do that again.  So I realize in this that the emotion I am feeling is guilt for hurting other people, as well as a little anger towards myself for doing so.  It has taken me sometime but I believe that I can write my feelings, my thoughts on my blog and not have to have the fear.  I just need to take the time to watch my words, not write based solely on emotion.

So here I go again, I  miss writing.  I have quite a few things written up in drafts that I would like to be able to post but have had a fear of doing so.  I am fighting past that now.  I hope in the process I don’t hurt anyone else.