I haven’t written in a while out of fear. Fear of my own feelings, of my own words…and fear of those words hurting someone else. I was once told that your blog is just that, yours. Write how you feel, what you feel, how you think; so on and so forth. I have read other blogs that have out right just been classified as nothing other then rude about a topic, person, thing, idea….well you understand. And it just seemed to me it was accepted. Like, “Oh, well ‘so & so’ is just like that” so it is expected. I don’t want to feel afraid to write the words on my page out of fear.
While in therapy one of our topics was fear. We were supposed to come up with 10 things we had a fear of. Most people in the group picked things like spiders, heights and the normal phobias. One other girl and myself were the only ones in the group that wrote things like losing someone we love and ourselves. That was one of the hardest group topics we had, realizing that you have internal fears and bringing them externally to be examined is not an easy thing. Especially when one of those fears is your own self.
The therapist that day put this on the board:
Fear is just that, it is feeling an emotion or emotions and then having to accept the responsibility of those emotions and the consequences or outcome of those emotions.
My fear of writing comes from a post I made that hurt people I care about. People who were close to me. I fear that my writing may do that again. So I realize in this that the emotion I am feeling is guilt for hurting other people, as well as a little anger towards myself for doing so. It has taken me sometime but I believe that I can write my feelings, my thoughts on my blog and not have to have the fear. I just need to take the time to watch my words, not write based solely on emotion.
So here I go again, I miss writing. I have quite a few things written up in drafts that I would like to be able to post but have had a fear of doing so. I am fighting past that now. I hope in the process I don’t hurt anyone else.