This post should have been posted on the 24th of July which would have been my dad’s 87th birthday. This post, however, was on a USB key I have been taking to work so that if I do personal things at work I could put them on the drive to bring them home. I password protected that key so that if I left it at work or someone else got a hold of it they could not access the files on it. I forgot the password until the other day and then that password ended up being wrong as well. I finally remembered the correct password today….so here is the post that was supposed to be a letter to my daddy on his birthday. I miss him so much, may her rest in peace.
July 24, 2011
Today is your birthday. You would be 87 years old today if you were still around. Hard to believe it has been almost twelve years since I lost you. I miss you more then you could ever imagine, or maybe you can. It is hard every day for me to see other people with their dads or complaining about their fathers, because I would give anything to have my daddy back and with me.
I suppose you know that I have three children now. Robert is fourteen now and starting high school. I know if you were still alive that would floor you as you were there when he was born. I am glad you got to see him but so wish you were here to see Alexander and Samantha. I think you would have gotten a huge kick out of Alex, he is quite the little boy. Very much into “military” and boy things. He is so smart. Samantha is sassy as can be. Mom says she is a lot like I was when I was her age. She is a beautiful little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and I am sure she would be grandpa’s little girl if you were still here.
Some things have happened in my life that I wish I could have picked up the phone and called you or just had you there to turn to. Today is an anniversary of another major event in my life and I am sorry that event happened on your birthday. Maybe remembering it was your birthday contributed to what happened that day. I never meant to dishonor you.
Bill and I still keep in touch. We email on occasion and call (usually play phone tag with one another). We use to talk weekly, every Wednesday but that got harder when we made the move to California cause of time difference; and now with me working and Bill working our schedules don’t always match up. I don’ hear from John at all but then we never really were the “sibling” type where we? And Janet I think has pretty much ignored the fact that I am even here. Things have happened with her that I am not happy with and I tried but you can only try so much before you break because you just can’t put forth the effort when it isn’t returned.
We moved back to Sebring, and every day I have to remember that you aren’t here in the place I consider home for me to call or for the kids to see or to invite to dinner. I wish you knew Richard better but am glad the two of you had the opportunity to meet one another before you were gone. Mom and I have had our moments but I love her and I know she loves me. And I know she didn’t handle things correctly but Jack was not a bad guy and he cared about her, and me and the kids.
I wish all the time that I could just see you one more time. I didn’t expect you to be gone as soon as you were. I thought I had time to go back to Houston and make arrangements to come back with Robert. I thought you would come out of it and I could get you to come to Houston with me. I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d have you for a little while longer.
It is hard to lose your daddy at twenty. I know that is not what you intended and I accepted when I was about fourteen that I would not have you forever or as long as perhaps some of my friends would have their dads but I really thought I had more time than twenty years. And maybe it is selfish of me because I did have that time with you but I feel cheated as well because I wanted so much more.
Happy Birthday, daddy. I love you and I miss you. I hope you are proud of me; and I know you are watching over me.
Love your little girl,