The Ones about Me

Working Girl

It has been a while since I have actually worked.  Like actually had a job that was an 8 to 5 type thing with a paycheck that was mine.  Money that I was making myself.  Something I was working for and achieving.  A job.

I have held many in my life and I don’t know if I am proud of that or not.  I have had jobs that have been my favorite and ones that…well…there are reasons they are not my job any more, whether I ended the employment or they did.

I worked for one company in the Oil/Gas Industry involved with sub-sea robotics for almost 2 years and that was, at this point thus far, one of the best jobs I have had; and also one of my favorites.  I was utterly devastated when that job ended and for the reasons it ended.  I felt betrayal, as if I had been used, angry, guilt, sadness…a whole slew of emotions I did not really understand.  I honestly believe this was a major turning point with my mental illness, for the worse.  Many things with the way the job ended and the events leading up to the termination of the employment were not handled right by the company, other employees or me.  I am a lot to blame for the events that happened there, I know that now.

I spent some time doing odd and end type things that did not really amount to much or cost me more than I made.

When we moved to California, I was convinced that I would never work again.  I looked for jobs and applied for jobs in California and in many cases never even got answers back.  I accepted I would be unemployed.  This was a major stressor for me and caused a lot of anxiety.  I did not have money of my “own” and it was degrading to me to have to ask my husband for money; not that it was ever an issue when I asked for it however, I felt belittled when I had to ask him for money.  Sad, I know.

When we made the decision to move to Florida, even before we moved, I started looking for jobs.  I started in December of 2010. Many places told me to contact them as soon as I got to the state or to the area I was moving to.  Others did not answer.  Some told me they could not hold the position until I moved but would hold onto my resume in case something came up.  This was also very stressful for me because I felt the need to have a job.

A place I used to work offered me a job with them when I got to town but it ended up being a very flakey thing.  Hours were scattered and on an as needed basis.  I wanted and needed something more “permanent”.  I put my resume in with the local staffing agency.

Through them, assignments came that were only for a day; and I also went on quite a few interviews that ended up in nothing.  On a few occasions I was actually told I was over qualified and that the company was worried I would get bored with the position and/or pay and leave after a short time. I was starting to feel down again when an opportunity came along with a company in a town about 20 miles away from my home (approximately a 40-minute drive). I jumped on it when the position was offered to me.  The first few days seemed to go well.  Then things started to come out about the company, the owner and the stress began to set in.  Promises that were made during the interview were being taken back; and there was a lot of tension in the office.  It kept growing and growing.  I had regular stress/anxiety attacks.  I decided I needed to quit.

The reason for quitting was to start school.  I have been talking about going to school for nursing for about five years now and that this would be the best time to do so.  We are at a spot in our lives where I could concentrate just on school and all three of the kids would be in school as well.  I thought perfect timing.  I left and started the process of starting school.

Upon leaving that job, an opportunity came up with another company to work as a “blogger/social media” person.  I had not expected this to happen and when it presented itself to me, I again jumped, who wouldn’t.  We all are looking for an opportunity to be paid to blog and be involved in a social media position, be paid for something we enjoy.  That, unfortunately, has turned out to be a big mistake.  Aside from the fact that the job is very political based, there is a slight language barrier at the job, a lot of stress with the job and the atmosphere of the work environment is not good (the building).

Now, once again in the process of all of this happening another opportunity presented itself to me.  I took this opportunity very seriously and applied for the position.  It is with a reputable company and one that I know would be a solid job.  I was called for interviews and fell in love with the possibility.  Although I promised myself, I would not get over excited; especially when the second interview was scheduled…I did.  The environment is everything I am looking for; and the person I would be working with I know from high school.  P.E.R.F.E.C.T.

The stress and anxiety while waiting to find out if the new opportunity was going to pan out was tough because I did allow myself to get excited.  Thankfully, it did pan out; the job has been offered to me.  This time when I jumped, I looked before I leapt and am going to land safely and soundly in probably the best position/job/opportunity that has ever come my way.  I could not be more excited.

After being unemployed for almost two years, I have had three opportunities in approximately a three-month period with this last one being exceptional.

So, where is the problem you ask?

One is telling the current job that I am leaving.  There is a lot of anxiety there…not because I feel I owe the job anything since I have only been there a week; I just let some guilt set in because I knew I was waiting to hear about the other job and did not tell them as I wanted to be sure it was mine before leaving.  Well that and I seem to have this horrible habit of predicting the worst, convincing myself that is what is going to happen and then feeding on that.

The other…as much as I am happy for the new position, I am a little scared, as well.  You know…new job jitters.  I have no doubt I can do the job and will be great out it.  Just nerves.

So wish me luck as I take this leap once again…but as I stated; this is time I will land exactly where I want and need to be, and right at a time when I need it the most.


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