Late: Day 5 – Your Beliefs

This topic is quite touchy, for the very reason that my beliefs aren’t yours and therefore you might think or feel they are wrong. But the reason we all have different beliefs, likes and opinions is so that the world is different and not boring. So you can learn things and be introduced to new things.

My beliefs are very skewed to many people. There are certain things
beliefs I have that contradict each other, actually though I am quite
simple when it comes down to it.

I was raised Christian, going to church. I was raised by a republican
mother and a democrat father who tended to be more conservative than
he cared to admit. I was raised with a slight military essence to my
dad’s side of things as he was a military man for the majority of his
life. I, for along time, believed everything was black or white because
of this up bringing. Now in no way, shape or form am I saying I was
raised wrong or badly; I just realized there was a lot more to life
than cut and dry.

I think a lot of my views changed when I had my kids. Having kids seems
to do that to a lot of people. I would have told you that I was a Christian Conservative or Republican had you asked me before my kids or
around the time I had Robert (my oldest) in 1997. However, it seems
through the years I have become more Libertarian on issues.

I still consider myself Christian, however I am not big on religion. I
do not go to church, although I feel I should. I try to instill a faith
aspect to my parenting and daily life. Could I use more God? Probably.
Could my children use more God? Probably. Does that make me any less
of a person than anyone else? Not at all.

I often tell people on issues such as abortion, equal marriage, race, etc
the following:

I myself would not have an abortion, does that mean I have the right to
tell you you cannot, I absolutely do not think so. Your body, your choice.
But please don’t try to cram your stand on abortion down my throat, I know
how I feel and nothing you say or do is going to change that.

I don’t feel I have the right to tell you who you can or cannot love regardless
of their color, race, religion or sexual orientation. If you love a person you
should have the right to be with that person and married to that person. I
don’t need to know what goes on behind closed doors. Do you treat each other right and are you loving? Well then by all means, give it a crack like the rest of us. Again, don’t try to make believe what you believe on this issue.

I vaccinate my kids, you don’t. Does that make either of us right or wrong. Depends on what you believe about vaccines. Just because I chose to vaccinate does not make me a bad person or a bad parent. Just because you chose not to vaccinate does not make you a bad person or a bad parent. I have read the arguments of both sides, I made my choice and you made yours. I have seen both sides of the issue (personally) and I still chose to vaccinate, that is my choice. Please don’t try to cram your choice down my throat through.

I believe in God. I believe in faith. I believe in prayer. I am not a big fan of
religion. I have had issues with church that I probably need to get pass. You go to church, great. I do not, great. I live my life the way I feel is best for myself,
my family and my children. Does that make me right? Don’t know. Does that make me wrong? Don’t know. I will find out one day, but today is not that day. I read once the following statement and it is very true to how I feel: I’d rather live my life believing there is a God and die to find out there is not one than live my life believing there is not a God and die to find out there is.

My beliefs are mine, your beliefs are yours. Does having my beliefs make me right and you wrong? No. Does having your beliefs make you right and me wrong? No. So, why treat it that way. Why treat me different because I don’t believe what you do?

Oh, and please for Pete’s sake; stop generalizing all Republicans, all Conservatives, all Democrats, all Liberals, all Christians, all non-Christians, all pro this, all against that, all races, all religions into ONE general group. Just because I say I am a Conservative Christian does not mean I am like every other Conservative Christian. Just like if you are a Liberal does not mean you are like every other Liberal. Just because a certain politician or figure is where they are does not mean I voted for them just because they are whatever they may be. If I don’t agree with you and your beliefs I am not going to put you in a position that will allow you to enforce your beliefs on myself or others. There are things people in my “groups” do that I do not agree with or care to be associated with; just as I am sure the same goes for you. So, please don’t assume because I say I am something that I am a certain way or like another of the same.

We are different for a reason, doesn’t make one of us right and the other wrong, it just makes us different and that is not such a bad thing.

Tuesday Truths – Weight

Has something ever scared you so bad that even with all the fear and knowledge that you have to overcome that moment you still are in a sense of shock?

Has something ever been so clear and obvious to you that you knew it was the truth even with out being told but still were overwhelmed when that one thing was brought straight forward to your attention?

Has something ever been so “in your face” that even though there was no denying it, you still did?

I am guilty of all of the above.  I knew my weight was an issue. I knew my weight was unhealthy. I knew it was there, hell it is all of me. Yet even with me saying I knew these things, and knew changes needed to be made; I denied it to myself when it came down to actually doing something.

Sure, I changed the way I was eating….sort of.  Sure, I was going to the gym….sort of. Sure, I was walking the dog, having “dance parties” in the living room with my kids, walking during work, dancing in the car…sort of.

It all tumbled down and smacked me in the face when I was going through paperwork from when I was in the hospital in February for dizziness and passing out. I went through every test imaginable, saw every type of doctor I think they could send my way, spent five days in the hospital, final diagnosis: Meniere’s disease (which runs in my family).  Not so bad, it is manageable and treatable.  Not one single time did anyone say to me the words “blood sugar” or “diabetes”.  Not one single time was it an issue at all.  Neuro or Cardio perhaps, but all of those tests came back “normal”, “negative”, “with in range”.

Now as stupid as this may sound, it never dawned on me to look at the papers they gave me from the hospital at the time of check out. I did my due diligence, called my primary physician to tell them I had been in the hospital. Spoke to him and he stated since the paperwork they received mentioned the possibility of the Meniere’s disease, he didn’t need to see me and to proceed to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist since Meniere’s is an inner ear thing. Never once did he say to me “blood sugar” or “diabetes”.

So, upon finally looking at the discharge paperwork from hospital, almost two months after discharge, I noticed that it said Hemoglobin A1c test was done and that mine was a 5.9, fasting glucose tests were within ” 108-114″ and above normal. Again, called my primary care physician and was told to see an endocrinologist. So I did just that.

The result was borderline diabetic.

So now I am on a real mission. I know I have talked about losing weight and needing/wanting to but now it is an issue of my health. Plus being heavy like I am feeds into my depression, which is a matter of my health as well.  I know I might get some grief about this because I am supposed to love my body the way I am or love myself for who I am. I don’t. I am not happy with anything about my body. I am not trying to say that losing weight or being thin is for everyone or even trying to push any type of body image or eating disorder. I need to be healthy, and my healthy weight according to my doctor is 135 pounds. So it will take some time to get there but slow and steady wins the race.

Tuesday Truths – Resolutions

We are four months into the year and my resolutions have both been kept and broken.  Here is where I stand now with them. My resolutions for 2012:

1.  Blog More – Well you all know how this one has gone….basically it hasn’t gone well. I say all the time I would honestly like to blog more and then I don’t. I am the only one to blame for that. There is plenty I could blog about to fill up at least four to five of the seven days of the week if not all seven.

2. Be better to myself – this is another one I have broke and I am paying for it. I take weight off, I put it on, I take it off, I put it on. I get active, I get lazy. I feel good about myself, I fall into depression.

3. Priorities – I am going to blame this one partially for why blogging more has fallen off my list. I have been trying to spend more time with my family, and have been. I have not kept up on some of the other priorities on my list such as being good to myself and incorporating faith and God more into our lives.

4. Give Back More – I have done some volunteering but not as much as I would like to.

5. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones – Reconnecting with old friends just seems to keep happening and reoccurring constantly for me. I am reconnecting with people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years and it feels good. Now to work on the making new friends part.

6. Take a family trip/vacation – I am working out a family trip (plans, budget, saving) for a trip to Hawaii in the summer of 2013. I am hoping it will all work out so that I we can go, looks good for now.

7. Put myself on a budget and STICK TO IT!!! – Still saving and investing, still not on a budget!

8. Be more organized and efficient – This has not been an easy one for me. I have become more efficient and organized at work but not at home or in my own life.

9. Date Night – Still keeping with weekly (or as often as we possibly can) lunches with one friend. Have spent time out with my girls. Try to go out with my husband (just us) or go out as a family for dinner. Sometimes we go to dinner as a family then the boys go to one movie and the girls go to another.

Thursday Truth – Old Posts Stir Up Hurt Feelings

I have removed myself some from the online world.  I do some things still; I try to continue to write on my blog (for me more than anything because it feels good sometimes just to get it out), I still use facebook, I tried to get back to twitter but I just can’t keep up with it (especially now with work).  I enjoy Pintrest, GetGlue and Klout; although not being as active on the internet and in social networking atmospheres probably doesn’t give me much of anything in any subject or topic area.

I hadn’t opened my reader in I don’t know how long.  Probably not since the last time I blogged while I was still living in California, and well that post wasn’t exactly one of my finer moments in life.

“You have to take responsibility”

“You have to own your words”

“You have to own your feelings”

“You have to learn to blame yourself, redeem yourself and forgive yourself for the things you have done/said/wrote/blogged/texted/etc. whatever they may be”

People don’t really understand how hard that is to do, especially when depression is playing a role; not unless they have been down that road.

The blame, hate, rage, misunderstanding, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anger. It is misappropriated, flung on to people when it is really yourself you feel all of those things about. Flung on to people you love and care about and then it just batters them down until they can’t take the beating anymore. Why? Because it is easier to blame then to take responsibility.

Back to the reader….

I open the reader and see a gazillion blog posts that need to be read. We are talking haven’t looked at this thing in over a year’s time. I have now limited myself to the few that I actually care to read.  I took my reader from 126 blogs down to 18.  I lately have been more of a lurker than anything else, there are times I intend to comment and don’t.  Why? Fear perhaps. Maybe because I feel what I have to say makes no difference. Because I don’t want to be just another “comment on the page”.  I am not sure why I don’t comment when I want to….ok it is fear.

As I was weeding down my reader, I was going back to blogs and reading missed posts.  Going back sometimes as much as a year because I haven’t read the blog in that long. Laughing at things, smiling about others. Crying over some. Amazed by how a lot of these bloggers write.  Jealous because I don’t write as well or keep up with my blog like I want to. Envious, even.

But when you read back through old blog posts, you sometimes come across things you don’t want. Stories of death, bad days, hurt feelings. Stories that make you, yourself face truth. Posts that hurt because you know they are directed at you even though your name is not used.

And tonight that has opened up a whole new set of feelings for me.  A part of me I thought I had put behind me. Feelings that I thought I had gotten past. Hurt that not only emotionally hurts but physically hurts as well. Loss. Feeling broken again. Broken, a word I said I would not use about myself again…yet as I write this I feel so broken.

I don’t know how to fix what did or didn’t happen. What has or hasn’t happened. I don’t know how to fill in gaps and holes that are so large they swallow me whole.

I want to reach out. I have tried to reach out at first, not as much as I should….not so much anymore.  And that pains me because I want to. I feel I should. But I don’t know what good it will do. And when I do and there is no response, complete ignorance of the attempt it just hurts. And then the broken comes back.

I miss what was there, more than I can ever explain. More than I knew I would.

And the hardest part of it all?  I did this.  This was all me. I caused the hurt, I caused the pain, I caused the confusion, the mistrust. Now I have to learn to live with it.

Yes, I have an illness and it has taken me some time to truly understand that illness and control it not let it control me.  There are still times that I can feel it taking hold and sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to let it take over. I use to say I didn’t want to be defined by it, yet I used it as an excuse every chance I got. I hid behind it like a coward. I used it to excuse actions, behavior and words of mine that I didn’t want to take responsibility or acceptance for myself. I allowed it to be an excuse and I allowed it to control me. That was me, not the illness.

I don’t know if I can ever truly apologize for what happened.  What I do know is it was my fault, and mine alone.  I said those things, I behaved that way, I made the choices, they were my actions; with or without the illness, all of it was me because I allowed it to happen.

I truly am sorry, after all this time has passed I still am not able to forgive myself fully because I damaged something that was so special. Now I have to live with that. I don’t expect to ever be forgiven because I can’t even forgive myself for that, at least not yet. I miss you.

BLOG HOP: 25 things you might not know about me…

I had a completely different post in mind for tonight but upon reading this on Nicole’s blog, I decided to make this the topic.

  1. I adore children’s shows and will watch things like Wizards of Waverly Place, iCarly, Good Luck Charlie, I’m in the Band, Big Time Rush, etc. even if my children aren’t home.
  2. Although my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast, my favorite Disney character is Alice.
  3. I consider myself fairly versed in music and will listen to just about anything, though I don’t favor rap or heavy metal.
  4. I still drink kool-aid, grape is my favorite.
  5. I have a collection of music boxes that my great grandmother started for me.
  6. I love to watch Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman movies.
  7. I love cooking, but I despise baking.
  8. I have a really hard time buying anything for myself, even if it is something I want or need. I find it selfish.
  9. I cannot “roll” my tongue* and my children think it is hilarious. (All 3 of them can) *see illustration below*.
  10. I love being outside (camping, biking, hiking, at the lake, etc.) and wish we did more things “outdoors”.
  11. When I was in high school, I was a big Ag nerd, did my co-op at a citrus plant, was in FFA and raised a lamb for the county fair (which was best in show for his weight class).
  12. My middle name is Jan which is my grandmother’s name, my mother’s middle name is Vivien which was her grandmother’s name and my daughter’s middle name is Carol which is my mother’s name.  The tradition goes back to my great grandmother’s great grandmother of using the grandmother’s name as the daughter’s middle name.  My poor daughter will have to figure out how to use Kelli if she continues the tradition.
  13. I have read The Circle Trilogy by Nora Roberts 24 times.
  14. I believe in Ghosts.
  15. I have an unhealthy obsession with Dave Grohl and think my husband favors him slightly.
  16. I play at least one of the six Guitar Hero games daily: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero III: Legands of Rock, Guitar Hero World Tour, Guitar Hero 5 and Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock (all for xbox 360) and have owned ALL versions of Guitar Hero (Aerosmith, 80’s, etc.) at one time or another.
  17. I have an electric guitar and would love to continue my lessons so I can learn to play it.
  18. Although I want to learn to play guitar, I prefer drummers. 😉
  19. I don’t know a lot about social media, and as much as I want to be a part of things (facebook, twitter, etc.) it scares me.
  20. I could eat crab, avocado and popcorn every day.
  21. I loathe the black leather “media” theater seating couch that we own.  LOATE.IT.
  22. I secretly want a cat, but can’t have one because my husband and son are severely allergic to them.
  23. I had gestational diabetes with all three of my children and was insulin requiring with my daughter.
  24. I wish my husband and I held hands more.
  25. I met my husband online back in 1998; before meeting someone online was “cool” on Excite Chat program (way before eHarmony) and we used ICQ to talk to one another.

So there you have it, 25 things you might not know about me; but now you do. 🙂

P.S. For those of you who don’t know what I mean by “roll” my tongue THIS is what I mean:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working Girl

It has been a while since I have actually worked.  Like actually had a job that was an 8 to 5 type thing with a paycheck that was mine.  Money that I was making myself.  Something I was working for and achieving.  A job.

I have held many in my life and I don’t know if I am proud of that or not.  I have had jobs that have been my favorite and ones that…well…there are reasons they are not my job any more, whether I ended the employment or they did.

I worked for one company in the Oil/Gas Industry involved with sub-sea robotics for almost 2 years and that was, at this point thus far, one of the best jobs I have had; and also one of my favorites.  I was utterly devastated when that job ended and for the reasons it ended.  I felt betrayal, as if I had been used, angry, guilt, sadness…a whole slew of emotions I did not really understand.  I honestly believe this was a major turning point with my mental illness, for the worse.  Many things with the way the job ended and the events leading up to the termination of the employment were not handled right by the company, other employees or me.  I am a lot to blame for the events that happened there, I know that now.

I spent some time doing odd and end type things that did not really amount to much or cost me more than I made.

When we moved to California, I was convinced that I would never work again.  I looked for jobs and applied for jobs in California and in many cases never even got answers back.  I accepted I would be unemployed.  This was a major stressor for me and caused a lot of anxiety.  I did not have money of my “own” and it was degrading to me to have to ask my husband for money; not that it was ever an issue when I asked for it however, I felt belittled when I had to ask him for money.  Sad, I know.

When we made the decision to move to Florida, even before we moved, I started looking for jobs.  I started in December of 2010. Many places told me to contact them as soon as I got to the state or to the area I was moving to.  Others did not answer.  Some told me they could not hold the position until I moved but would hold onto my resume in case something came up.  This was also very stressful for me because I felt the need to have a job.

A place I used to work offered me a job with them when I got to town but it ended up being a very flakey thing.  Hours were scattered and on an as needed basis.  I wanted and needed something more “permanent”.  I put my resume in with the local staffing agency.

Through them, assignments came that were only for a day; and I also went on quite a few interviews that ended up in nothing.  On a few occasions I was actually told I was over qualified and that the company was worried I would get bored with the position and/or pay and leave after a short time. I was starting to feel down again when an opportunity came along with a company in a town about 20 miles away from my home (approximately a 40-minute drive). I jumped on it when the position was offered to me.  The first few days seemed to go well.  Then things started to come out about the company, the owner and the stress began to set in.  Promises that were made during the interview were being taken back; and there was a lot of tension in the office.  It kept growing and growing.  I had regular stress/anxiety attacks.  I decided I needed to quit.

The reason for quitting was to start school.  I have been talking about going to school for nursing for about five years now and that this would be the best time to do so.  We are at a spot in our lives where I could concentrate just on school and all three of the kids would be in school as well.  I thought perfect timing.  I left and started the process of starting school.

Upon leaving that job, an opportunity came up with another company to work as a “blogger/social media” person.  I had not expected this to happen and when it presented itself to me, I again jumped, who wouldn’t.  We all are looking for an opportunity to be paid to blog and be involved in a social media position, be paid for something we enjoy.  That, unfortunately, has turned out to be a big mistake.  Aside from the fact that the job is very political based, there is a slight language barrier at the job, a lot of stress with the job and the atmosphere of the work environment is not good (the building).

Now, once again in the process of all of this happening another opportunity presented itself to me.  I took this opportunity very seriously and applied for the position.  It is with a reputable company and one that I know would be a solid job.  I was called for interviews and fell in love with the possibility.  Although I promised myself, I would not get over excited; especially when the second interview was scheduled…I did.  The environment is everything I am looking for; and the person I would be working with I know from high school.  P.E.R.F.E.C.T.

The stress and anxiety while waiting to find out if the new opportunity was going to pan out was tough because I did allow myself to get excited.  Thankfully, it did pan out; the job has been offered to me.  This time when I jumped, I looked before I leapt and am going to land safely and soundly in probably the best position/job/opportunity that has ever come my way.  I could not be more excited.

After being unemployed for almost two years, I have had three opportunities in approximately a three-month period with this last one being exceptional.

So, where is the problem you ask?

One is telling the current job that I am leaving.  There is a lot of anxiety there…not because I feel I owe the job anything since I have only been there a week; I just let some guilt set in because I knew I was waiting to hear about the other job and did not tell them as I wanted to be sure it was mine before leaving.  Well that and I seem to have this horrible habit of predicting the worst, convincing myself that is what is going to happen and then feeding on that.

The other…as much as I am happy for the new position, I am a little scared, as well.  You know…new job jitters.  I have no doubt I can do the job and will be great out it.  Just nerves.

So wish me luck as I take this leap once again…but as I stated; this is time I will land exactly where I want and need to be, and right at a time when I need it the most.

Happy Birthday, Daddy (7-24-11)

This post should have been posted on the 24th of July which would have been my dad’s 87th birthday.  This post, however, was on a USB key I have been taking to work so that if I do personal things at work I could put them on the drive to bring them home.  I password protected that key so that if I left it at work or someone else got a hold of it they could not access the files on it.  I forgot the password until the other day and then that password ended up being wrong as well.  I finally remembered the correct password today….so here is the post that was supposed to be a letter to my daddy on his birthday.  I miss him so much, may her rest in peace.

 

 

July 24, 2011

Dear Daddy,

Today is your birthday.  You would be 87 years old today if you were still around.  Hard to believe it has been almost twelve years since I lost you.  I miss you more then you could ever imagine, or maybe you can.  It is hard every day for me to see other people with their dads or complaining about their fathers, because I would give anything to have my daddy back and with me.

I suppose you know that I have three children now.  Robert is fourteen now and starting high school.  I know if you were still alive that would floor you as you were there when he was born.  I am glad you got to see him but so wish you were here to see Alexander and Samantha.  I think you would have gotten a huge kick out of Alex, he is quite the little boy.  Very much into “military” and boy things.  He is so smart.  Samantha is sassy as can be.  Mom says she is a lot like I was when I was her age.  She is a beautiful little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and I am sure she would be grandpa’s little girl if you were still here.

Some things have happened in my life that I wish I could have picked up the phone and called you or just had you there to turn to.  Today is an anniversary of another major event in my life and I am sorry that event happened on your birthday.  Maybe remembering it was your birthday contributed to what happened that day.  I never meant to dishonor you.

Bill and I still keep in touch.  We email on occasion and call (usually play phone tag with one another).  We use to talk weekly, every Wednesday but that got harder when we made the move to California cause of time difference; and now with me working and Bill working our schedules don’t always match up.  I don’ hear from John at all but then we never really were the “sibling” type where we?  And Janet I think has pretty much ignored the fact that I am even here.  Things have happened with her that I am not happy with and I tried but you can only try so much before you break because you just can’t put forth the effort when it isn’t returned.

We moved back to Sebring, and every day I have to remember that you aren’t here in the place I consider home for me to call or for the kids to see or to invite to dinner.  I wish you knew Richard better but am glad the two of you had the opportunity to meet one another before you were gone.  Mom and I have had our moments but I love her and I know she loves me.  And I know she didn’t handle things correctly but Jack was not a bad guy and he cared about her, and me and the kids.

I wish all the time that I could just see you one more time.  I didn’t expect you to be gone as soon as you were.  I thought I had time to go back to Houston and make arrangements to come back with Robert.  I thought you would come out of it and I could get you to come to Houston with me.  I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d have you for a little while longer.

It is hard to lose your daddy at twenty.  I know that is not what you intended and I accepted when I was about fourteen that I would not have you forever or as long as perhaps some of my friends would have their dads but I really thought I had more time than twenty years.  And maybe it is selfish of me because I did have that time with you but I feel cheated as well because I wanted so much more.

Happy Birthday, daddy.  I love you and I miss you.  I hope you are proud of me; and I know you are watching over me.

 

Love your little girl,

 

Kelli