Day 3 – A Failure

This one is kind of hard to write. Not because I don’t have any failures because, I do. Because no one ever wants to admit a failure. Especially in a public format.

As I stated, I have had plenty of failure in my life. Is there one particular that stands out above another, not necessarily. I can think of many that were perhaps worse than another but none that stand out really.

Probably what I would consider a failure that I would change, and that I could change is not finishing college. Now, I need to make it clear that the reason I haven’t finished isn’t because I have failed college. I actually did quite well when I was going. But life has happened. Both times I have tried to return I have had to stop because I have become pregnant during my studies. After I had Alex in 2002, I went back to continue my courses and became pregnant with Sammi who was born in 2006. I just never went back after I had Sammi.

Now don’t get me wrong for one single second. I adore my children, and to me they are a much better achievement than a college degree. However; for my mom who would like me to have one, for my dad who I know wanted me to have one and most of all for myself I would like to have that degree.

Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it now that I am 35, then I hear of 90 year olds going back to school to get their degrees, and I think, “hell yeah it is!” It is just an achievement I would like to have regardless of when I achieve it.

It’s Time…

I haven’t posted or done anything with my blog since September 2014, and it wasn’t even really a post; it was pictures. My niece had visited from France in the summer and I was missing her that day, so I posted pictures from her visit. I keep saying that I am going to get better and blog regularly, then I don’t. I say these same things every time I decide to start blogging again, and then I just don’t. And then I blame myself and feel guilty for not blogging, which in return makes me not want to blog because it feels like a chore. I do enjoy it, that is the funny part. I feel better when I am writing and using my blog; even if it is for silly things. It is an avenue for me to get out feelings and make an expression. And honestly, I need that avenue.

I know a lot of why I don’t write is because I don’t feel I am a good writer. I don’t feel I have the caliber or charisma that some of the other bloggers I know have. Does that really matter though? This blog is supposed to be for me, not anyone else; and if you chose not to read it, there is nothing I can do about that. I am not looking for high volume and page rankings; if they happen, they happen. I am not going to turn them down if either comes my way.  Another reason I don’t write, I don’t feel I have topics or that the topics I do have are stupid or silly.  Again, does that matter if the blog is really for me? I know I chose to make it a public format, you the public can read if you want, think what you want.

So, to get myself started I found a 30 Day Challenge on another site. Some of the topics are a little cheesy but it will give me a starting point for my writing. Some of the topics will be simple answers and others will involve more depth. Bare with me while I try to get this going again. I plan to start this 30 Day Challenge on May 1st (I know May has 31 days, I will figure it out) and perhaps you want to join me. The challenge is as follows (I will post again prior to May 1st):

Day 1 – An Introduction

Day 2 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years

Day 3 – A Failure

Day 4 – Childhood Favorite(s)

Day 5 – Your Beliefs

Day 6 – 30 facts about yourself

Day 7 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits you

Day 8 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life

Day 9 – What you are reading or favorite book(s)

Day 10 – Discuss your first love

Day 11 – Put your music on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up

Day 12 – reason behind your blog name

Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to visit

Day 14 – Your earliest favorite memory

Day 15 – Blogs you follow

Day 16 – Your favorite music

Day 17 – Your highs of the past year

Day 18 – Your lows of the past year

Day 19 – Your parents

Day 20 – 10 likes & 10 dislikes

Day 21 – Your favorite show(s)

Day 22 – Have you changed in the past year?

Day 23 – Top 5 famous guys & Top 5 famous girls

Day 24 – Favorite Quote(s)

Day 25 – Your favorite movie(s)

Day 26 – Bucket List

Day 27 – A current problem

Day 28 – Something & Someone that you miss

Day 29 – Things you can’t live without

Day 30 – Your Goals

Wordless Wednesday – Our Brittany

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On March 8, 2013; just 14 months after being diagnosed, my cousin, Brittany Joan Stephens-Kinney lost her fight to cancer. Although her life was only 24 short years, she lived it to the fullest. Brittany was a very vivacious, kind hearted, full spirited woman and she gave cancer a good hard run for its money. She lives on through her son, Gabe, who has the same vivacious, kind hearted full spirit.

We miss you and love you, Britt! You will forever be in our hearts.

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RIP sweet angel

Wordless Wednesday – Thomas Jefferson

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(*The first few seconds is not Alex, he starts at 0:09*)

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”

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(Note the mustache, he was digging the mustache!)

Post-Op

Post-op appointment was today. Got good news, pathology came back all upper level margins are clean. This means that the amount of tissue taken from the cervix was enough to remove all of the external cells that were showing cancerous have been removed and there are currently no precancerous cells in the readings either.

Now back to regular checks. Pap smears will be done every three months with the first one at the visit and the next one in January and then again in March. Once there are three normal readings over every three months, then we go to every six months. Once there are three normal readings over every six months, then I can return to yearly checks. If there are any abnormal readings at all, the next step will be partial or full hysterectomy.

So now, I just hope and pray that everything stays clean and normal. I can’t begin to tell you how relieved am I that these are the results I received. All I can say now is please, please; PLEASE keep up with your check-ups and pap smears. It is important.

In case you were wondering…

…this is why I had surgery.

Surgery was scheduled for 9:30 am (EST) Thursday August 23; and it seems so easy. I am told it is pretty routine and common. Common makes it sound so ordinary. And after talking to some people, it is just that, ordinary. I don’t know if knowing that makes me feel any less apprehensive about it all.

I have had surgery before, so I don’t know what the big deal is this time. Maybe it is the amount of time I have had to think about it all. Maybe it is that the other surgeries I had weren’t exactly planned.

When I broke my arm, I knew surgery was needed but the way that the whole event happened it wasn’t exactly scheduled surgery.

My daughter was c-section but that wasn’t exactly planned either. I walked into the doctor’s office on Wednesday April 12, 2006 at 9:15 am to a OB who said, “ready to have this baby? Alright, lets do this then.” And I was in the hospital at 6:00 pm that evening.

My gallbladder surgery was an emergency as well, so no planning there.

This however has been scheduled for over two weeks. Two weeks of pondering. Worrying. Wondering. Googling (which by the way if you have a major medical thing going on Do. Not. Google. It!)

I had my first pap smear in six years (yes you read that right, six years) on June 27. I received the letter that the pap smear had come back abnormal while I was on vacation over July 4th week. I called the doctor as soon as I got back and she scheduled a coloscopy for July 16 and which time a biopsy was decided to be done. There was supposed to be three biopsies done, five were done in total as well as an internal scraping.

Two very agonizing weeks later on July 30, I got the results of the biopsies:  the results read: High-grade Squamous Intraepithelial Lesion (HSIL), Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia Moderate to Severe (CIN2/3), or in terms I could understand external cells show cancerous and internal cells show pre-cancerous. The next step was to do a cone biopsy which was scheduled for Thursday August 23.

Yesterday was the surgery, and although I am in pain; the doctor said she got a clean cut and that we will have the results of this biopsy with in a week time. There is still more waiting but I feel good about it all. I trust my doctor and she seems to think that this procedure has taken care of all of it.

I will update once I have the results back. Until then, lets hope and pray for the best.