Yet…

Life is such a fickle animal. Volatile. Fitful. Unsteady. It can be the most stressful thing, the worst thing, the hardest thing.

It can also be one of the best things ever. Watching your children grow and achieve things. Finding the love of your life and spending the rest of it with them. Seeing the beauty in the world and in people. Tasting something amazing for the first time.

I write about this a lot, about how I underly prioritize myself. And I do it time and time and time again. I put everything ahead of myself and what I want or need. Above my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health. Often times above my family and my other obligations.

I said at the beginning of this year that I wasn’t going to do it anymore. I was going to put God first, myself second, and my family third. I was going to work my required hours, not overly stress about things, and allow myself to live life and not just survive it.

Yet, I get up at 4 am, I do my morning worship/Bible study, and then instead of doing something for me (working out, reading, coloring), I start working. Yet, I worry about week to week and being able to do things, and what is around the corner. Yet, here I sit feeling like all I am doing is surviving life. I have fought through depression multiple times in my life and I wouldn’t say I am sitting there now but I know the signs and I know what leads to it.

So back to writing I go. When I get things out, I feel lighter and I feel like I can breathe. Actually making the changes and not falling back on old habits. I started the year saying I was going to put God first, and I have; and will continue to do so. Now to make the changes to put myself second.

And that is probably going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I carry guilt heavy with my anxiety and I feel guilty when I do things for myself.

Please bear with me through it all. The waters may get rough, but I am going to sail through.